In addition to a last will and testament, you should also set up a living will. This is often referred to as a health care directive. However, besides these two documents there are certain documents that must be in place in order to include your grandchildren in your will.

You must make sure that your will governs who the executors, guardians and trustees of your will are. If you have minor children, these are necessary to see that the monetary assets you are leaving to your grandchildren will not be tied up in red tape. You should designate one person in your family as the power of attorney – whom you will trust to handle the financial ramifications of your will and other matters. This person will not necessarily be able to over ride your last will and testament – but will be able to mediate and intervene should problems arise.

If you have life insurance and want to make sure that the grandchildren are included, you must designate them as beneficiaries. If these are minor children, clauses should be in place that ensures the money stays in escrow until they reach a certain age or milestone. Designate the parents as guardians of the account and make it impossible for them to touch the money before their child is a certain age. As for how much life insurance you need, you should speak to a trusted and qualified insurance professional. Rates vary greatly from company to company, and you should research thoroughly.

Another problem that can arise from not properly planning to include your grandchildren in your will is unclear language. Simply designating a percentage of the estate or a specific dollar amount to all grandchildren is not enough. You must list the grandchildren specifically, providing date of births and social security numbers of these children to ensure that the money is properly divided. Additionally, keep in mind that more grandchildren may be born after you pass away. Should these children be included as well? If the answer is yes, you must make provisions and develop escrow estate funding that will be in place to prepare for them. Not doing so can have your grown children suing one another – and leave your estate ending up in disarray until the court system can intervene and make decisions.

When you designate executors for your grandchildren which are mandatory if you want the money to stay out of state or federal judicial processes – you don’t necessarily have to make that person the parent of guardian. If you so choose, you can find an outside agency, a trusted friend or professional acquaintance to act in the best interest of your grandchildren. Again, make the language very specific as to your wishes to ensure that no legal discrepancies arrive. Including your grandchildren in your will and ensuring that they receive things exactly as you want are very particular events that should be overseen by an attorney.

If you have an extended stepfamily, it is very important that you specifically include these children – names and social security numbers, should you want them to receive something as well. Unless your child has officially adopted a stepchild, the judicial system will not see them as legally qualified to receive any requests unless you state their name.

Obviously, another consideration is taxation. You want to include your grandchildren in your will, but not prematurely burden them with tax problems. Legally, you can transfer $12,000 per year to grandchildren without it being taxed. This means that two grandparents can give up to $24,000 per year to their grandchildren without the grandchildren being responsible for taxes. Also, understand that there is a skipping tax that can be imposed if you bequeath to grandchildren but skip the children. For especially large estates, simply leaving money or instructions to the grandchildren is not enough. You must be extremely clear on the laws and on the exact amounts and purposes of the money being left. You can legally set up accounts before you die and designate your grandchildren as beneficiaries that fall under certain tax requirements to ensure your grandchildren are not overly taxed.

When you are talking about estate law, it is difficult to be over prepared. If you want to include grandchildren in your will, it is essential that you speak with a professional and ensure that the language of your will is clear. When dividing physical assets, it is also essential to make sure that specific items are designated specifically if you wish them to be. You cannot just say that grandchild A is to receive your hall painting and expect that they will get it. The division of assets, especially when transcending generations and multiple children and grandchildren should be reviewed periodically and discussed with your family ahead of time. The bottom line is that estate law is about wording and preparation – and not about having conversations that designate your wishes. The worst thing that can happen is that your estate ends up in court for months or years on end. You also don’t want to leave confusing messages that can end up dividing your family.

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When grandparents remarry, it is only natural that they will want their new spouse to share in the lives of their children and grandchildren. Many grandchildren come into this world knowing nothing else besides the fact that they have three grandmas or grandpas. Although they may ask questions early on about why so and so isn’t married, they normally just accept things the way they are. Provided that their parents do of course. With divorce rates soaring it stands to reason that many children in the next ten years will have plenty of grandparents in their life – broadening their horizons and their families. So, exactly how do you explain this to children?

The best answer is to wait until they ask. Certainly around the age of 5, your child will start wondering who belongs to whom in their life. They may want to know who your mom is and not understand the whole stepparent or “real” mom thing. Take the cautious approach and tell them just what you think they will understand. Most children, after a simple explanation will be satisfied with the results. If you talk about things such as Grandpa Joe used to be married to Grandma Kate, you will probably get some very cute and uncensored responses from the children. And this is okay. They don’t necessarily have to understand the aspects of marital trouble or what happened young in life (or ever for that matter) and will normally be happy just to have that many more presents given to them on their birthday.

As the parent, it is important to welcome the new grandparent into your child’s life. You don’t have to like them, you may still be bitter over the divorce and you may not want to spend a while lot of time with this ‘other’ person. However, in the presence of children it is important to act as if everything is okay. Children can pick up quickly and easily on their parents feelings and it isn’t fair to displace this responsibility on your children. Sometimes, the most difficult thing for parents when grandparents remarry is what to call the new husband or wife. Will calling him or her Grandpa or Grandma offend the other grandparent now single, or is it appropriate. Many times the kids will handle this for you, calling each something new and different out of self-convenience, and removing the struggles with labels and discomfort.

Obviously, having three grandmas at Grandparents Day can be a tad uncomfortable. Probably not for your child who will feel like the luckiest, most loved person in the room – but for the grandmas. Hopefully, they too can act like adults and make the best of the situation. If they don’t, it is up to YOU, as the parent, to decide who does what when and how. It is senseless to put your child in the midst of situation where the three grandmas don’t get along. Instead, plan separate birthday gatherings, holiday gatherings and schedule time separately but as equally as possible.

Now, when grandparents remarry obsessively – meaning that your child may have a new grandma or grandpa yearly based on your mom or dads dating habits, it probably isn’t such a good idea to allow your children to get too attached. Similarly, if you feel that the new grandparent doesn’t have the experience with children or doesn’t behave as you expect them to, you have the final say in how much time they spend with them. Yet, you should try to keep your personal feelings aside and make sure that you are acting on your child’s best interests rather than your own.

When grandparents remarry, which many of them do – you have two choices. You can accept it and hope to make the very best of the situation feeling confident in your choices. Or you can be disheartened and upset about it altogether. Often, even grown children forget that their parents have needs and desires that far outweigh what children can bring to their lives. If your mom or dad seems happy in their new marriage and has something positive to share, it is important that you support them as best as you can. If your kid is lucky, enough to have three grandparents then so be it. While you should still be the one to decide who shows up at Grandparents Day (for the sake of Miss Jenny), you should also be open to your child loving ALL of their grandparents whether blood related or otherwise.

The definition of family is constantly changing. It never remains the same. This is true for you and is also true for your parents. Embracing the people in your life, and allowing people to enjoy your children just as you do. The new grandma or new grandpa brought into your life when grandparents remarry may not have been who you picked, but you should strive to prevent that from keeping your child away from them.

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If you think back to when you were new parents, you will remember, and understand what I mean. There is a fine line between being helpful, and interfering, and being a nuisance. The trick is to stay on the good side. Your first impulse when your children (whom you were convinced would never be able to walk and chew gum at the same time) have their first child. Panic sets in because you know from experience that nothing on this Earth will keep you busier, or has a larger capacity to overwhelm normally intelligent adults, and turn them into blithering idiots, than a newborn. And now, they have the fate of a new human being completely in their hands. You want to jump in and rescue them with your experience. The truth of the matter (and I know it is very hard to accept) is that it’s the wrong thing to do, for several reasons.

The first reason is that the parents need time to bond with the newborn, and get used to it. Anything you try to do to help at this point may be regarded as interference. The best thing to do is to let them know that you are available for them whenever they need you. Remember, there is another set of grandparents on the spouse’s side of the family that will be doing the same thing. In addition, if you jump in and try to take-over, no matter how well your intentions may be, you could make your children feel like you have no confidence in them. This is bad. One thing you should never do is alienate your children, or the other grandparents. Offer to help out, and don’t be offended if it is refused. Many new parents prefer to adjust, and work it out their own way.

Another thing to consider is, as much as we hate to admit it; it is a different world than when we became new parents. A lot has happened in 30 years or so. When we were expecting, they couldn’t even tell you the gender of your child until it was born, and office pools were traditional. Ultrasound Imaging has taken a lot of the guesswork out of the experience of having a child. Advances in medicine, and child rearing have changed the accepted way of doing things. Your children do not want to hear about how they are doing it wrong, and about how you did it (albeit, successfully) 30 years ago. A lot of hospitals and other places have classes on how to be an effective grandparent in the modern world. They are definitely worth your time.

Here is a situation that I can guarantee you will come up at some point. This is where you really find out that grand parenting is not always easy: You are babysitting, and the child/children refuse to behave. How do you discipline them without making your children mad? One way to avoid this is to establish the rules with your children ahead of time, and find out how they wish their children to be corrected. If it gets to be a problem, then offer to pay for a professional baby-sitter occasionally so they can go out. Accepted practices for correcting children have changed greatly in the last few decades.

Babies haven’t changed in 30 years, but what we know about them has. As I said earlier, it’s a new world, full of mandatory car seats, Umbilical Cord Blood Banking, the introduction of solid foods at age 6 months, breast-pumps and breast-feeding, and other technological and social ‘advances’. We may not agree with all of them, but that’s the way it is. Much has changed in birthing, feeding and sleeping practices, and you should catch up on current trends.

The best thing you can do for your children and grandchildren is to practice Positive Grand Parenting. This means being supportive, a good listener, and be open to learning new things. Your experience is still very valuable. You just may need to learn when, and when not to use it.

Here are a few more tips that may be helpful:

• Don’t give any advice until you’re asked, and then, be diplomatic.
• Offer to baby-sit if you want to, but you are not obligated to. You can offer to grocery shop for them, cook, clean house, laundry, or offer to pay for a baby-sitter instead.
• Try not to argue about the merits of how things are done now, as opposed to how you did them.
• Hold the baby, change the diapers, etc. the way the parents want it done, even though you did it successfully a different way a few decades ago.
• Use positive words when correcting the grandchildren, instead of negative words that will start a rebuttal before they are even finished. Instead of saying “You can’t play video games until you finish your homework”, say “You can play video games after you finish your homework”. Your choice of words greatly affects the feelings associated with the event.
• Make every effort to get along with the other grandparents. Your children and grandchildren do not need any more stress.
• Do your best not to spoil the children, or the parents will be reluctant to bring them over.

As you can see, grand parenting is not always easy, but if you take some extra care and time, you can avoid many of the pitfalls. Being a grandparent can be the greatest job in the world.

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With no living grandparents, children are forced to get to know them through the other people around them. They may know they have grandma’s eyes or that they can sing just as beautifully as grandpa did but they don’t understand it as you do. Most children are not saddened by this until it becomes grandparent’s day at school, or until they hear stories from class mates about spending time with grandma and grandpa. When this moment comes, it is up to the parents to decide how their child will feel. You can either break into tears; resentful that your children are being ‘cheated’ or you can try to explain that their grandparents are always with them. The raw truth is that every single person has grandparents. What’s different is whether they know them, love them, spend time with them, or are able to palpate their love on holidays throughout the year.

If your child doesn’t have grandparents because they have already died, it is important to bring them to life for your children. Try to pass on things that you know your deceased parents would want them to know. Keep a picture of them around the house, in their room and try to describe them as angels that are always watching over them. This way, they will feel like their grandparents exist, if only in their dreams. Additionally, try to show them their likeness to their grandparents so they understand that the circle of life came full when they were born. Perhaps their grandparents were alive when they were born but died before they could remember. If this is the case, then try your best to show them pictures and tell them how much their grandparents loved them while they were alive.

If the grandparents in your family just aren’t interested in establishing relationships with your children then you probably feel extremely angry. In some cases, depending on the reasons, it may be for the better. This doesn’t mean you won’t be upset that they are stealing something so precious from your child. It isn’t worth explaining the inside outs of the situation to your child. Firstly because they will likely not understand it and secondly, because there is no use in making your child feel badly about the people in their family lineage. There will also come a time in your child’s life where they understand in reason that some decisions although wrong and unfair are unavoidable. This doesn’t make them easier to swallow for a child. Instead, try to pass on things to your children about their grandparents that will make them proud. This way, when they are sitting around at school writing notes or swapping stories they won’t be interested in making up tales. In this instance, remember that as a parent, you have the power to bring these grandparental figures to life to offer something positive, even if the reality is they don’t.

Often kids do not have grandparents because relationships between you and your parents are tense. One of the most difficult things to do as a parent is to separate your relationships with those that your children have with other people. As long as your parents don’t pose harm or threat to your child, you should allow them to have a relationship. Grandparents can add a tremendous amount of love and value to a child’s life despite the issues that you may have. Claim your own issues and allow your children to forge meaningful bridges with people in their life based on how they feel not how you feel. This is a huge gift that is subservient of self, which you can never replace with someone else.

If your child is asking about grandparents, worried that they don’t have any don’t feel opposed to looking for replacements. One of the nice things about the generation before us is that they see the simplicity of life. They often see the joy in children that parents forget to notice. There might be a neighbor, a person at church, someone at your child’s school, a co-worker, or another unlikely person that may stand in as your child’s grandparents. Believing that only blood makes family is an extremely closed-minded perception of a world full of many beautiful people.

There is no doubt that children who have a well-rounded family base will be offered more in life. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do about the situation with grandparents. However, try not to over indulge in feelings of self-pity that may arise from your child feeling like they don’t have grandparents. In earnest, they do. You can paint the picture and share with your child the heritage of their grandparents in a positive way no matter what. They may not be the perfect picture of whom you think they should be, or they may have passed on before your child could remember them but they are grandparents nonetheless and they have something to teach you and your child.

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The first consideration should probably be how similarly you and the grandparents feel about parenting. When your child is an infant, there isn’t much harm that can be done. However, your infant will grow into a baby quickly and you will be forced to raise your children according to someone else. If this ‘someone else’’ happens to be a grandparent, you might find that they are less likely to follow YOUR rules. The thing is, if you are a working parent you are essentially giving your child over to someone else during the week. These people will spend an immense amount of time with your children, shaping rules, regulations, and even things like your child’s nutrition and wellness. If grandma is constantly offering cookies and soda because she is afraid to say no, and wants to be a grandma she might not be the best choice for being your child’s caretaker!

As your child gets older the lines between being nanny and poppy can the guardian that you expect to enforce your rules will blue even more. This can be very frustrating and it will certainly place strain on you and your spouse and the children. Children, as smart as they are will also begin to look to their grandparents as parental figures, understandably so since they are the ones they are with more often. It doesn’t hurt that many grandparents as caretakers often say yes more often than you do! Even though the grandparents may not intend to undermine your parenting style, it is only expected that their style is much different from yours. Who wins in the end? Hard to say. At some point however, you may consider treating the childcare arrangements as a business.

On the positive side of things, you know that your child will be safe with their grandparents. Rather than placing them in a building with dozens of other children, they will come home from school to one on one attention, home made treats and lots and lots of love. This can create a wonderful foundation for your child based on love and trust. A lot of whether the arrangement works out positively or not depends on how your parents or in-laws feel about it. If Nana and Big Daddy want to be the kind of grandparents who simply spoil their grandchildren and hand them back to you when they are done being a main caretaker might not be optimal. It is unfair of you to try and steal away their ideas of being a grandparent because you want them to do things differently. In this case, you may want to pay someone else to take care of your kids and allow the grandparents to do typical grandparent things with your child that doesn’t involve their routine care.

Similarly, your children need discipline. And simply, some grandparents don’t want to be the ones to do it. Why should they? They spent years, a lifetime really disciplining you and are entitled to an easier, less responsible life with their grandchildren. And if the grandparents do care for your children around the clock, but refuse to set limits or boundaries, you are in for a likeness to hell when you have them at home. And yes, you will always be the meanie! So you have to think clearly, with your head above your heart, when it comes to choosing grandparents as caretakers!

Probably the best scenario is to have the grandparents ease the childcare arrangements by taking them on part time. This way, your children get to spend a lot of time with your children, but your children are also learning about limits and boundaries from other sources. This way, they will be able to notice the difference between being grandparented and parented. They will also learn to love their time with their grandparents, not being able to sense your annoyance with the situation. If the grandparents do watch your children, talk about some ground rules. It is okay for you to have some forbidden things and they should respect them. But remember that your parents love your children just as much as you do, and it may be more difficult to let them down or disappoint them. If the infraction is mild let it go. However if it something that you strongly believe in, you should ask once for the situation to change. If it doesn’t, don’t take the kids away from the grandparents, but eliminate them being full time caretakers.

The bottom line is that every family is different. What works for some, doesn’t work for others. When it comes to choosing grandparents as caretakers for your child, only you know the best way to handle it. It might be worth trying, and it might not be something that you think you can handle. Often, as parents we are forced to make decisions and take actions that we never thought we would in order to provide the best for our children. Only you will know in the end. And as a reminder, remember that grandparents are somewhat entitled to living out their dreams of being Granny and Papa. If being elected as the full time caretaker somehow steals these fleeting and cherished moments, you should find a different solution out of respect.

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The answer is a tough one.Even if you don’t always agree with your own parents and hold some resentments about the way they treated you, most adult children still want their child to have grandparents.And they want their children to love their grandparents.In return, they hope and pray that their parents will see the error of their ways and magically turn into those grandparent type people that are depicted in Disney movies.The problem is that just because some people get older, doesn’t mean they change.And being a grandparent isn’t everybody’s dream come true.Your kids may not like their grandparents because the grandparents seem distant or unable to relate themselves. If this is the case, then you should confront your parents when your children aren’t around and see if they are interested in a relationship. If they are, try to come up with a plan that works for them and is predictable to include your children in their lives. If they seem unwilling to bend or meet you half-way, just know you have done all you can and make sure your children don’t feel snubbed.

Another reason that your children may not like their grandparents is because they don’t get to spend enough time with them. This could be because you don’t allow them to or because the grandparents are so busy living out their retirement dreams that grandchildren don’t fit into the picture. Either way, relationships take time to create and just because we are related to someone, doesn’t automatically ensure that we love and adore them. The best thing a parent can do is try and allow time for the relationship to blossom and see if it does. Instead of thinking on the larger scale of visitations, be satisfied with simple trips to McDonalds or chatting via Skype or e-mail. Remember, nobody can live up to your expectations all the time and just because you think things should be a certain way, doesn’t mean that’s how they will be.

You also need to take a look at yourself. Often, adult children who have pent up resentments or anger towards their parents will unwittingly show this to their children. It might not be a spoken word, but more of an action or presence that you have when the grandparents are around. Your kids will pick up on this.Often adult children, will make comments about grandma or grandpa in front of the kids that show their dislike or distaste for the grandparents. And while you may not mean it as a way to shut them out from your children’s life your children may feel they have to choose sides. Most of the time they will choose yours out of loyalty. If this is the case and your children are old enough to understand that you don’t particularly ‘love’ your parents then explain it to them. Tell them that although they weren’t great parents to you while you were growing up, you still think that they will be wonderful grandparents. Remind them as well that the grandparents love them. This shows them that you don’t feel threatened by them seeking out a relationship with their grandparents.

There are also plenty of times where the grandparents don’t really like their grandchildren. Yes, this hurts! A lot! Generational issues and traits often have adult children and their parents at odds at how to raise kids. You probably don’t do everything in the same way that your parents did. You might even have a child that is a bit of a brat or uncontrollable at times.Your parents may not enjoy spending time with them because of behavioral issues. Your parents may not understand behavior disorders or your techniques at discipline. Although frustrating, chances are you are not going to change their mind. Rather than try to force them to spend time with your kids, make sure that you are present so they don’t have to be the disciplinarian. If the grandparents tend to be harder on your kids than you are your children may feel threatened by them and unsafe. Your only safeguard is to supervise and be present when they are together with the hopeful outlook that a relationship and understanding will develop.

If your children do not like their grandparents, it is up to you as the adult to try and figure out why. Depending on your family situation, you may be able to help this relationship with counseling or by making changes that can bring the two generations of family together. It can be disappointing to feel like the extended family is at odds and often the reasons have nothing to do with the children. They could be issue with your spouse, or the other set of grandparents or issues with the fact that your parents think you expect too much. One thing however is for sure. Children have a lot to gain by staying in touch with and remaining close to their grandparents. Although they may not be nominated for the grandparent of the year award, there is something that your children can learn from them. Try to be patient, compassionate and at all times work from a place of compromise and understanding. If it doesn’t work and you know that you have tried everything to bring the two of them together, then don’t worry about it. If your children are adamant about the way they feel, then trust their intuition and allow time to heal the wounds. You might be surprised how things come full circle in the end.

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With all these high expectations, it is normal to be disappointed. Not in your grandchild of course – but in all the ways you expected things to be. Often, grandparents are so excited about this big event in their lives that they forget this child has parents who are excited as well. Likely, your own child and their spouse will work hard to assert themselves and define their own role of parenting. New moms and dads have some pretty big shoes to fill and most feel slightly awkward, and un-confident in the beginning. If you are the kind of grandparent that tries to take over, offer excess advice, and behave like your grown child and spouse aren’t capable of caring for their child, you will likely see your grandchild less than you want.

Why? Sometimes, the sheer thrill of it all makes you forget that you might not always be welcome in your child’s house. They are entering a new phase of life and it is going to take some adjustments and trial and error on their part, in order to get it right. If you are visiting every chance you get and planning your weekends around your grandchild WITHOUT being respectful of your child you are likely being pushy and overbearing. This can result in some resentment. With your first grandchild, you are also likely to simply walk over the birth parents, without meaning to which they will take you undermining their parenting ability. Remember, that even though you are excited and cannot wait to spend every single waking moment with your grandchild you need to make sure you allow the new family some space of their own. A little respect and holding your tongue can go a long way in helping forge lasting bonds that aren’t strained with resentment.

No doubt you want to spoil your first grandchild. Perhaps you are in a situation in your life where you have plenty of time and resources to give, give, give. When you were raising your own children, you knew that spoiling them would only make your life harder. Yet now you can do anything you wish with your own grandchild. Just make sure that you don’t overdo. Try to space your giving out so that you don’t overwhelm the child or put more stress in your child’s life. As for spoiling you have every right to do so. Rather than be the kind of grandparent that is always giving things of monetary value, try to spoil with your time, love, abundant knowledge and nurturing spirit. You have a different angle on life now that you have raised your own children and can see the perfect areas where grandparents can make a huge difference. You don’t have to be in a hurry, you can sit on the floor and read books or play blocks for hours on end. You can rock the baby to sleep and still sit for another hour holding your sleeping grand angel. Your first grandchild will grow up knowing that grandma and grandpa are there for extra love and always have the time and attention the child may need; even if the parents do not. Since you want to be the spoiler, you have to think about whether or not you want to be involved in the day to day caring for or babysitting of your first grandchild. Remember that beyond the early days, this means you will also have to be part of the disciplining and raising of the grandchild. Plus, you will have to adhere to rules and schedules that are set forth by the parents in order to maintain consistency for the child. If you don’t think you will be able to do this, it may be in your best interest to graciously bow out of a long-term childcare position. Not doing so, can cause some relationship hardships down the road.

With your first grandchild, come a lot of dreams. Many grandparents want to make up for mistakes they may have felt like they made raising their own child, by spoiling or doing things different with the grandchild. You are right that the relationship between a parent and child, and a grandparent and child are totally different. However, it is important to keep in mind that no matter what you will always be a very important part of your grandchild’s life and future. Many studies have shown that children who are raised in close proximity to their grandparents not only excel in school, but also have a firm familial foundation in place that helps them to feel more loved and boosts their overall self confidence. You have many things to teach your grandchild. Harness all of your excitement and love and make sure you funnel it into this little life that will certainly be a big part of changing yours.

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Suffice it to say that deciding ‘what to call the grandparents,’’ can be almost as difficult as choosing a name for your child. And today’s modern family structure doesn’t make this choice any easier. Today, many kids grow up with several sets of grandparents due to marriage and divorce and obviously, calling ALL of them grandma and grandpa can be confusing for everyone involved. Combine that with the fact that many grandparents don’t want to be labeled as simply Grandma and Grandpa and have ideals of their own on what grandchild should call them, and you can find yourself in a quandary of grey area when deciding what your children should call their grandparents.

For many people Grandma and Grandpa are ‘named’’ prior to your child’s birth. When you announce a pregnancy, you automatically turn the matriarchs and patriarchs in your family into grandparents. Then suddenly, your mother might explain that since she is ‘too young’’ to be referred to as Grandma, that she will be called Aunt Laura. (Nice try mom!) Or your father might start talking to your belly referring to himself as Big Pop or Big Daddy. And suddenly, out of thin air you have a name. This same scenario will play out with all the people that will be involved in your child’s life.

So your child is born and they are automatically introduced to their grandparents. By name. As the child grows and first words are formed, a hysterical twist on what grandparents are called can come into play. And the beloved Big Pop, or Grandpa phrase can be quickly turned into something like Bubba, or Mimi, or MooMoo. Not because the child thinks their grandparent is a cow hence the label MooMoo, but because it is the only way that they can say the word.

According to sociologists and child development experts using specific names for grandparents is encouraged to foster relationships, especially when children are young and especially when children are introduced to numerous sets of grandparents. Around the age of 2 or 3, children will begin questioning these relationships and doing the math so to speak about which grandparent belongs to which parent. Establishing names early on in your child’s life can make this quest much less confusing, which is why it is encouraged to come up with individualized versions of the names used for grandparents.

One word of caution is to avoid referring to grandparents with names that resemble those of the parents. Even when young children refer to their grandmother or grandfather as mom or dad, experts advise that it should be corrected. Today, since so many children are being cared for on a regular basis by grandparents, it is very common for young children to confuse their grandparents with their parents. Establishing labels that help children to make the familial relationships make sense is important. And for numerous reasons, grandparents should never encourage children to call grandchildren to call them mommy or daddy.

Perhaps one of the cutest things about grandparent names is that the children involved will often decide for themselves what to call their grandparents. As mentioned above, it may stem from an inability to formulate certain words that translates into a blooper for a grandparent name. Or, a child might simply start calling one of their grandparents a funny or cute name that sticks as they grow. Often, the grandparents are named by the first grandchildren that were born and subsequent children simply follow suit.

If you have a lot of grandparents in your child’s life, count your blessings. And if you are running out of ideas of what to call them all use some of these ideas. The first idea to distinguish grandparents is to celebrate family heritage. If your side of the family has German roots, then refer to the grandmother as Oma. Or if you have Spanish roots, call her Abulea. Grandfathers could be called Opa or Abuelo. Another idea is to use variations of the first names, for instance, Grandpa Jo. You could also use the same names for your children’s grandparents as you used for your own grandparents, which is an often-endearing tribute.

Obviously, what to call the grandparents is a big enough issue in life that a book has been written to help. If you are completely stumped for a name then check out some of these ideas lifted from in Wellford and Skye Pifer’s new book, The New Grandparents Name List, a Lighthearted Guide to Picking the Perfect Name available at Amazon Books.

This first list shows the most common and traditional grandmother names.

And this second list, shows some of the more traditional, grandfather names that you could choose.

The bottom line! It probably doesn’t matter what you call the grandparents as long as you CALL them! In the long run, no matter what word your child uses to address his or her grandparents, it will translate into love!

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When the children are all young, they don’t really notice that perhaps grandma or grandpa seem to gravitate more to one child or the other. Yet as the children grow, it becomes obvious. Grandma loves the babies but doesn’t seem to give the older grandchildren quite as much attention. When they visit her house, they see tons of pictures of Grandma holding her littlest grandchildren pasted over the ones where she was holding them. When grandparents play favorites, whether purposely or not it can cause a great deal of pain for the grandchildren who don’t neatly fit into the category of being grandma or grandpa’s favorite.

In many households, grandparents play favorites because of geography. Perhaps they live very close to a few of their grandchildren while the others live hundreds of miles away. This may mean that grandma and grandpa are always in touch and connected with their neighboring grandchildren but rarely spend time with the ones far away. Obviously, their relationship with their closely located grandchildren will get stronger as they get to share more everyday experiences. As parents, it can hurt to see your mom and dad seemingly neglect your own children in lieu of your siblings. It may even bring back childhood memories of feeling like the red headed stepchild. Often, parents react by saying negative comments or keeping their distance even more, which only thwarts the relationship further.

There are of course other situations where grandparents play favorites with reasons that aren’t so easy to justify. Perhaps they are willing and able to watch one set of grandchildren at the drop of the hat, but always have an excuse when it comes to watching yours. You may even notice that when the family is all together the grandparents naturally gravitate more lovingly to a few of the grandchildren while generally ignoring others. In defense of grandparents everywhere, it can be very difficult to split themselves into 8 different parts in order to pay equal attention to each and every grandchild. And the younger, cuter ones often take precedence because quite simply, they are more prone to the hugs and kisses than the older children are. Yet this doesn’t mean it hurts.

Breaching the subject of grandparents who play favorites is a hard to do. Just like no parent want to have to defend that they love one of their own kids more, a grandparent doesn’t want to do that with their grandchildren. But let’s be frank for a moment. In life, there are certain people that we connect to more easily than others. In a room filled with 25 family members, chances are there are 2 or 3 that you are naturally drawn to. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love everyone in the room. It just means that there is some invisible chemistry going on that makes you seek out certain people’s company more. The grandparents in your family may just be naturally drawn to one kid over the other. Perhaps they have an easier time communicating or sharing things in common. It also may be that there is some family tension between the parents and grandparents, which seems to spill over and affect the grandparent grandchild relationship.

If you feel strongly that your children are treated differently, negatively in comparison to other grandchildren then it is important to stand up to the grandparents and bring it to their attention. Use thoughtful and realistic ways to describe what your child’s sees and feels. Rather than approach with it anger, which you will undoubtedly feel, try to remain solution based. If you feel that the grandparents are playing favorites with the younger grandchildren and ignoring the older ones, point out that the babies and toddlers are not going to know the difference, but that your 12 year old does. Sometimes, grandparents are just so overwhelmed with excitement over a cute little baby that they don’t realize they are ‘ignoring’’ the needs of the older kids. Additionally, try to encourage your children, the grandchildren, to seek out relationships with their grandparents. Where a two year old will run to grandma’s arms like a bee to honey, a tween may avoid the cheek squeezes like it’s the bubonic plague. Try to find things that your older children have in common with their grandparents and allow them to connect that way.

If distance is the problem with grandparents playing favorites, then make sure that you plan special occasions throughout the year to be together. You could even meet half way so that your family and the grandparents get some private time without the cousins which may exasperate the feelings of playing favorites. Make strides to send pictures and invitations to special events and don’t forget to ensure that your children stay in touch as much as possible. The point is that the grandparent grandchild relationship is important. In all too many families, it is also short lived and tangled with aged old familial issues and problems that have nothing to do with the grandchildren themselves. For this reason, it is important that children are always encouraged to maintain a relationship with their grandparents and that grandparents are empowered to do the same.

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But when does asking the grandparents to baby sit, to fill in, to pay for childcare, to pick the kids up from school and chauffeur them to ball practice become a ‘practice in disrespect?’’ Are you taking advantage of the grandparents?

In July 2010, CBS news ran a segment entitled, ‘when Granny Becomes Nanny.’” In this report, a survey of 10,000 grandparents revealed that 61% of them take care of their grandchildren on a regular basis. This goes above and beyond hosting sleepovers, visiting the kids on the weekends, sharing special venues and spending time together into a lifestyle where the grandparents become responsible for the day-to-day care of the grandchildren.

The report also investigated how the down turning economic environment has caused a resurgence of grandparents as generalized caretakers for their grandchildren. The adult kids are not just phoning them to ask if they can baby-sit once or twice a month but are expecting them to watch the kiddos several days per week and on weekends. Togetherness in the family is extremely nice, and close family units are proven to raise healthier, better-adjusted children. But is it really fair to expect a grandparent to be a parent?

Grandparents have already filled their parental shoes by raising their own children. It seems that the circle of life should allow them to sit back and enjoy their grandchildren, spoiling them and spending time with them out of sheer pleasure rather than necessity. And while most grandparents don’t mind watching the grandkids for a weekend so mom and dad can have some time away is it fair to expect them to do so on a continual basis?

Additionally, 92% of all grandparents say they gladly watch the children and don’t expect to be paid for their time or for the things that they provide monetarily for their grandchildren. (Such as food and gas). In fact, one common thread of the grandparents in this poll only wanted appreciation. And sadly, only a sheer 13% of the grandparents believed they were getting that.

Of course, the benefits of grandparents as part time caretakers are immense to the family. The childcare is better the kids are in a place where they are loved and nurtured. And the parents are able to work outside of the home. Additionally, when your kids are with the grandparents you can escape away for a weekend without worrying about how they are being taken of, and if they are okay. The problem of course becomes a problem, when the grandparents are taken advantage of.

One way to avoid taking advantage of the grandparents is to truly see the value in the service they are providing for you. If they eventually begin to feel resentful that the adult children are being selfish and are not extending the grandparents certain levels of respect, then of course the situation can turn into one that changes the landscape of your family. One therapist suggests asking the grandparents these questions before asking them to help out with the kids in any way.

• Do they wish to be repaid for the gas, food, time that they are spending on the grandchildren. Remember, you would pay a babysitter, and would reimburse a friend who is feeding your child a snack after school every day. Extending that same courtesy to your parents (if they wish) is important.
• Ask the grandparents how much notice they would like to have of events etc. where you would like their assistance with the children. Nothing is worse than consistently calling ANYONE, but especially someone you love an hour before you need them and expecting them to drop everything to help you out with your kids. Make a rule about planning grandparent childcare.

Additionally, when you are leaving the kids with the grandparents you should consider leaving them with extra clothes, providing some snacks or goods, letting them know if the kids are sick or not feeling well and prepping the kids ahead of time. If the kids have issues with behavior, consider that it might just be too much considering your parents age and physical capabilities. And, if you leave them for overnight visits, or weekends try not to put off all the driving and transporting of the kids off on the grandparents. In other words, remember that they are doing YOU a favor and do your part to make it as easy as possible.

It is also important to consider the grandparents schedule. Sure, they would like nothing more in the world than spending time with their grandchildren. But it isn’t fair, or nice to simply always assume that they would rather watch the kids. Keep up with their plans, and be courteous to the things that they enjoy doing.

Additionally, consider the fact that the grandparents ARE NOT going to be honest about how they really feel about taking care of YOUR kids ALL THE TIME. You will most likely find out about their discontent and feelings of being taken advantage of when another family member (probably a grown sibling), who feels you take advantage of the parents blurts it out during a family meal. If your kids are constantly being babysat by Meemaw and Papaw, while your sister’s kids are not you can bet it is going to cause some sort of familial hostility with other family members.

You also have to remember that the golden years of grand parenting are something that most people look forward to. Finally, they have children that they can dote on without constantly feeling that they have to parent and discipline. If your kids are with the grandparents so often that discipline is necessary on their part you are prophetically ruining these golden years. The grandparents WANT to be grandparents, not parents to your children.

Taking advantage of the grandparents is a common problem. Because grandparents don’t speak up and say anything about it, doesn’t mean that they aren’t feeling like pawns in your game. The best solution is to handle the structure of your childcare needs, and your family as professionally as possible and allow the grandparents to remain just that, rather than long term, short order babysitters that bend to your every beck and call. Just because it might be easier, doesn’t always mean its right.

And whatever you do’.say thank you and let the grandparents know that they are appreciated!

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