We generally take all this for granted: jogging, chopping onions, coaching the soccer team, until something goes wrong. It could be an injury or an accident. Or it could be the result of invisible habits that have accumulated over a lifetime: clenching your teeth when feeling stressed, tightening your lower back for stability, curling your toes or hunching your shoulders. Whether it’s compensation for a recent injury, or a posture from childhood, these habits are now part of what your brain calls “me” and can seem invisible, until they cause pain. This impacts not just your physical comfort, but your mood, thinking ability and quality of life.

Those bones and muscles only work well when everything lines up as intended. Imagine a bridge, constructed with steel girders and cables. Your bones are like the girders, your muscles like the cables. Imagine what would happen to the bridge if one cable was too tight or too loose. Eventually the entire structure is compromised.

You may have tried to relieve your discomfort through exercise. But if you are exercising with a hunched shoulder, or rotated pelvis, you may be creating even more problems by further straining or forcing. And because these habits are so invisible, you don’t feel it till it’s too late.

It may seem like there’s no extra time for self-care. But paradoxically, if you slow down and pay attention to your body for five minutes a day, you can literally teach yourself new habits that can make you more effective, calmer and stronger as you go through your day.

Here are some ways to develop your ability to notice:

1. Body Scan. You can’t change what you don’t know. By taking a few minutes to sense yourself, you begin to educate your brain to make new choices. Lie on your back, preferably on a mat or carpet, something firm and comfortable. Close your eyes. Notice the parts of you that touch the floor. Are you heavier on one side? Are your feet pointing in the same direction? Where is your spine? Take a slow tour of all the places that touch the floor. Notice where things feel more or less comfortable. Allow the floor to support you, you don’t have to hold it together all the time.

2. On Your Feet. Stand with your feet comfortably underneath you, preferably without shoes. Sense how your feet touch the floor. Are both feet touching the same way? How are they different? Slowly shift your weight to one side and return a couple of times. Then shift to the other side. How is it different? Feeling stressed? Bounce up and down on your heels a few times. Walk around the room on the outsides of your feet. Then try it walking on the insides. Bounce again. Then check your feet and how you shift. Is it different? When you are more balanced on your feet, you’re more balanced in your thoughts.

3. Lengthen Your Back. Lie on your back with your legs long. Notice the space under your lower back. Is one side of your pelvis heavier than the other? Stand your right foot on the floor. Press your right foot into the floor so your right hip lifts, and slowly release several times. Pay attention to not clench your buttocks. Rest, then repeat on the other leg. Stretch out your legs and sense the space under your lower back.

Bend both of your legs over your chest and hold your knees. For at least five breaths, simply circle your legs and feel your pelvis and back move. Do it slowly, then reverse your circle. Stretch out again and notice how you feel.

4. Let Your Breath Help. Sitting or lying down, sense how your breath enters through your nose, into the back of your mouth, down your throat. Feel the air pass across your upper lip as you inhale and exhale. Notice the length of your inhale, exhale, and any pauses in between. Without straining, exhale completely and hold your breath out. Wait a few seconds, and without inhaling, exhale again. Pause again and wait for your body’s need to pull air in. Try this about five times, then go back to your own breath. Slowing your breath this way is a great way to re-set and calm down.

By interrupting your habits with slow, small changes, you will teach your nervous systems optimal ways of moving that can help reduce pain, increase your confidence and improve your wellbeing. You can apply the same kind of attention to any part of your body. Just remember to go slow and listen to your comfort level. As your ability to attend to yourself improves, you will paradoxically discover you have more time for the things you want to do!

Lavinia Plonka has been teaching the Feldenkrais Method of Somatic Education for over 30 years. She is a lead instructor of the Emotional Body®, author of several books on movement and an internationally recognized teacher of movement studies. For more information on Lavinia’s retreats visit www.laviniaplonka.com/kinesaretreat. For additional articles and tips visit www.laviniaplonka.com

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One Norwegian study followed nearly 85,000 women during pregnancy and the first few years of their children’s lives. According to their findings, a woman’s self-esteem is linked to relationship satisfaction. It falls during pregnancy and rises throughout the first six months of her child’s life. It then steadily declines over the following years, reaching its lowest point around the child’s third birthday.

But why do women experience insecurity and poor self-esteem after becoming mothers?

Mom-Worth Doubts: Am I Good Enough?

Are you overly concerned that you are not doing things right as a parent? Do you feel disconnected from your spouse and children or fear that your kids don’t like you? You can’t recall the last time you enjoyed a lovely meal, laughed with them, or felt at ease in their company.

It is usual for parents to experience worry and self-doubt about whether they are good parents to their children. But what happens when this anxiety affects your mood, relationships, and daily life? And where do these mom-worth issues come from anyway?

Self-Limiting Beliefs

This anxiety, though, may arise from the deep-seated belief that you are not good enough, failing, or not deserving of love and respect. As a result, many women face self-worth difficulties due to skewed perceptions of themselves due to these self-limiting ideas.

Working with a qualified coach can help you work through past painful experiences, debunk self-limiting beliefs, and heal your relationship with yourself.

Unattainable Goals and Expectations

Their own unreasonable expectations as well as those placed on moms by society can contribute to low self-esteem and self-worth issues.

In modern society, mothers are held to exceptionally high standards in their various roles. You are expected to be a flawless caregiver, home economist, lover, and career woman. You should never slip up in your personal or professional life. You make sure you keep your emotions buttoned up and keep your children, house, and appearance spotless.

These unrealistic standards can make women feel inadequate and undeserving of recognition and praise.

Parenting coaching may be the right place to learn how to prioritize your needs, overcome anxiety, and improve your self-worth.

Comparing Yourself to Others

Since the introduction of social media, there has been a significant increase in the amount of pressure placed on women. Do you become depressed and anxious, or at least uncomfortable, looking at all those images of flawless mothers and their seemingly perfect family lives?

It’s so easy today to fall into the comparison trap and feel like a failure compared to those idealized images.

You might feel better if you keep reminding yourself that the photos on social media are filtered versions of real life.

You Can Get Past Anxieties Regarding Your Mom’s Value

Being a good parent is not about being perfect in every way. It is about loving yourself, your children, and your family and raising your kids to be stable, healthy, and happy adults.

So, here are some things to keep in mind.

Parenting is hard work

You are taking on a big responsibility as a parent, and you are trying your best. Therefore, you ought to give yourself credit for everything, no matter how big or small, that you do right. Prioritize self-care. Giving yourself an emotional, mental, and physical break is essential for your well-being.

Humans are Bound to Make Mistakes

No one is Perfect

We all make mistakes, and that’s normal. What is important is to recognize your mistakes, learn from them, and then move on.

You Don’t Have to Struggle Alone

Consider seeking assistance from a life coach if you need guidance or support. A skilled professional can help set realistic expectations, prioritize self-care, and work through your deep-rooted issues with self-worth.

Kamini Wood, a certified professional coach, helps people take the courageous steps to identify their limiting beliefs, the reasons for their stagnation or feelings of not enoughness, so they can have what they want professionally and personally to live a fulfilled life.

She is the creator of AuthenticMe® and CEO of Live Joy Your Way, a coaching company helping high performers and overachievers who have seen success through old-rooted, traditional metrics, reestablish their relational self-awareness. Her best-selling book is Om: Life’s Gentle Reminders – for more information visit www.kaminiwood.com

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Bringing reverent balance to all your parts, requires mom’s to respect their shadow aspects and to love them into the light. Mom’s have a tendency to sacrifice, to hide, to abandon their own needs and dreams, as they are busy caring for everyone else. Over time, shadow aspects of our personality can rear their heads in all kinds of different ways. These buzz killers can show up as self-doubt, criticism, gossip, the mean girl, judge Judy, Tonya the tyrant and the like.

These are the aspects of all of us that were born as a strategy of protection. These are the parts of our personality that didn’t get to work through their true feelings at the time, because it may not have seemed appropriate to express these unattractive and undesirable parts of ourselves. Instead, we stuffed them way back in the closet, tried to keep them hidden while mama just kept pushing onward taking care of everyone else.

As more mom’s begin to walk a path of consciousness, bringing higher awareness to the idea that loving all of our sweet and sour parts is the key to experiencing wholeness, doing so gives moms the opportunity to relate differently to themselves working with these shadow aspects of their personality.

So, what can mom’s do to diffuse the power of the shadow that shows up in unwanted and problematic ways? How can we bring these less attractive parts into balance without alienating them further and simultaneously diffuse stress, exhaustion, over-giving, and feelings of not-enough-ness?

1. Be Honest. This not-so-pretty “part” is still one of your parts. And, hey guess what? Everyone on the planet has these shadow aspects. It’s the people who can be honest with themselves and lovingly work with these disconnected parts who live a more conscious and balanced life filled with fulfilment and joy. So, get honest with yourself and put a name to this ‘shadowey’ part.

2. Befriend the “part”. Begin a dialog with this aspect of yourself. Ask her, “What do you need?” What are you trying to teach me?” “What do I need to know about you?” “When do you show up and why?” This act of courage can take place as a journaling activity where you write down the questions in your journal and let that part speak directly by answering you back in the first person. Upon reflection, you may discover this “part” was formed as a way to protect you. This “part” of you has valuable information that you need to acknowledge for healthy balance inside yourself. What does she want you to be aware of?

3. Demonstrate love and compassion for that “part.” Just like your child when they are feeling hurt, angry or upset, nothing sooths the pain as well as mama’s loving compassion and mama’s tender acceptance. Can you do this for yourself? Allow your Higher Self, that wisdom filled part of you that is made of Love and Light, to do the work. Think of it like self-parenting. When you begin to understand this “part” with more curiosity and demonstrate your understanding, acceptance, and compassion, this “part” of you can begin to relax, to feel safe, to feel seen and heard. This is the secret sauce to loving this “part” into the light. This step is how healing happens.

4. Move into reverent balance internally. By loving all of your parts you bring a sense of inner stability to your consciousness. You come into the middle which is a place of neutrality and equanimity. You step out of the polarity of right and wrong and stop invalidating yourself for the “parts” that sometimes act out as a way to get your love and attention.

Relating to all of your parts with love and compassion is how to graciously strengthen the relationship you have with yourself with reverence and respect. It’s this act that returns you to a balanced way of being.

Donna Bond, M.A. is a spiritual life and business coach, author, and thought leader. After a 28-year long run as a corporate marketing executive who “had it all”, she decided to change course and get a master’s in Spiritual Psychology. Donna helps people to live with reverence by activating their entelechy – the fullest realized expression of who they came here to be, from the inside out. She and her husband, award-winning oil painter Paul Bond, live part time in Southern California and Costa Rica. You can learn more about her transformative 1:1 coaching, group classes, and workshops at https://donnabond.com

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Does the idea of being Supermom excite you? It’s a title that many mothers wear with great pride. Still others grow weary of being referred to that way. When we think of the history of the title Supermom, we know that it originates with Superman. Here’s an important thing to remember, Superman wore a costume. Clark Kent was only referred to as Superman once the suit and glasses were replaced with the famous “S” and a cape. But many times, mothers are expected to be Supermom at all times and expected to view it as a compliment.

I beg to differ. I think the title itself can be damaging to women who are already attempting to do “all the things” while putting themselves on the back burner, if they are on the stove at all.

There’s a lot to do in a day but who says you have to do it all or that it all has to be done right now? The idea of having healthy boundaries and systems in place that serve you, is of the utmost importance. If having systems in place to ensure things can carry on with or without you sounds like magic, then these tips are for you.

Here are 5 strategies to put in place now to combat the Supermom Syndrome. 

1. Be vulnerable. Ask for help and then let people help you. The people that love you are not mind readers. If you look like Superwoman people will begin to believe that you are. Take off the “S” and let folks in your village and in your home know where you need support. Delegate and assign tasks if necessary. Or you can insource or outsource it. There are several apps and services available for a nominal fee with special offers for new customers for things like laundry, house cleaning and more. Be intentional about getting the help that you need instead of choosing to do it all yourself.

2. Just say “No”. The word no is a complete sentence. As moms we often feel we have to explain why we are unable or unavailable to assist. Have you ever tried offering a simple, “I’m unable to help with that this year but I’m sure it will be an amazing event.” Period. It feels good standing in your truth. There is only so much of you to go around and depending on the season you’re in, maybe it’s someone else’s turn to rise up and be available. Always remember that whatever volunteer position you’re in as a leader, have an assistant and a good team supporting you. Then you can simply turn over the reins.

3. Perfection is the enemy of peace. The burden of perfection can lead to unhappiness and a lack of awareness and appreciation for what actually is. It causes us to compare the worst of ourselves to the best of others. We don’t have to cover up our imperfections with a false impression of perfection. You are good enough as you are. With a sink full of dishes, a hamper full of dirty clothes and kids who didn’t bathe tonight. It’s really ok. Tomorrow is a new day.

4. Check your systems, Girl! What systems do you have in place? Feeling like you have to do it all and no one else can do it “right” really means you have not created systems that will allow you to step away to care for yourself and know that things won’t fall apart. Do you have the proper relationships and friendships that water you and not only pull or take from you? Are your home and life systems meeting your needs or adding to the chaos?

5. Invest in yourself. Where have you invested in you recently? All of us have those places and areas where we know we need to come up higher and show up bigger. Have you made the investment there? It’s difficult to see our own blind spots. Is this the moment that you make the decision to put you at the top of your priority list? The goal of motherhood should be to work ourselves out of a job. The plan is that our children will eventually leave home and launch into their next phase. What will your “next” look like?

Motherhood doesn’t have to happen alone. Building a supportive village and network of family, friends and other mothers can make this journey one of collaboration instead of comparisons. Choosing the former, allows all of us to grow and move forward with the changing seasons of life.

Deborah Porter is a sought-after, influential voice on parenting, motherhood, self and soul care. She is a champion for moms everywhere and works with mothers globally to guide them through the process of learning to be gracious with themselves without the need to compare their motherhood journey with anyone else’s. Deborah is a certified life coach and regular contributor on CBS Virginia This Morning. Her advice column, Balance Life with Coach Deborah in Washington Parent, helps parents navigate the chaos, find their balance and not lose themselves in the role of mom. For more information visit www.deborahporter.net. Deborah’s complimentary Confident Mom e-book and additional tips are available www.deborahporter.net.

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Masks and the wearing of masks have been a topic of discussion that we may not be rid of anytime soon. However, many of us wear invisible masks in our everyday lives to cope with the pressures of life, to hide from the painful realities of life and many others.

Here are the three masks and what it might take to remove them for good… 

1. The Perfect Mom

This amazing mom is comparing herself to moms around her and second-guessing much of her parenting. Her focus is on everything being just right; appearances, meals, clothing. Her home, children and family have the appearance of perfection. However, the stress of keeping up this facade is wearing on her.

Removing this mask requires vulnerability. I know, it’s not my favorite thing either, along

my motherhood journey, the goal of perfection has robbed me of peace. Let’s set a new goal. Instead of asking, “Is she a better mother than I am,” let’s purpose to be a better mom today than yesterday. Things don’t have to be perfect to be great.

2. The People Pleaser Mom

The goal of wanting to make everyone happy and not ruffle any feathers can be suffocating. This mom says yes when you need her, even when she knows she should say no. She is overextended, overcommitted and exhausted. This mask provides the greatest means of escape from difficult conversations with almost anyone. This amazing mother would rather be angry with herself for making another commitment than have you angry with her.

Removing this mask requires some soul-searching. And during that search, the first thing to look for is the word no. I often say the word no is a complete sentence. In fact, it becomes so difficult for this mom to say no, that even when saying it, it’s followed by an apology and reason why. Saying no and setting boundaries around your time is self-care and does not need an apology or explanation.

3. The Hidden Mom

The hidden mom will often turn down new opportunities, relationships or even her own dreams because of “the kids”. It may sound like this: “Well, when the kids leave home then I will …” or “Once the kids are all in (or all out of) college, then I’ll be free to …” She doesn’t mean to hide. Her goal is to give her children the best life possible while sacrificing her own dreams. Newsflash, it is possible for all of us to go after our dreams and to create and conquer goals, simultaneously.

Removing this mask requires acknowledging that it’s OK to have goals and things you desire to accomplish in addition to being a mom. Mom is a hat we wear, it’s not the only hat we wear. Start showing up for yourself in real ways. Put yourself in ink on the family calendar instead of pencil. You wouldn’t think of erasing a doctor’s appointment or other commitment for your child. Treat your goals and commitments with the same respect. And remember, you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.

4. The Unmasked Mom

This mom is the goal! She has a healthy awareness of the masks in her own life. She respects order and balance without striving for perfection and control. She leaves room for the unexpected and wants her family happy and whole, but not at her expense. She sets appropriate boundaries without the need to explain her yes or her no and feels no guilt when doing so.

The journey to the unmasked mom takes time. Removing one mask may reveal another, but that’s OK. Living an unmasked life is a life of authenticity. Reframing our negative self-talk to positive affirmations and expressed gratitude leaves little room for guilt and shame. 

Deborah Porter is a sought-after, influential voice on parenting, motherhood, self and soul care. She is a champion for moms everywhere and works with mothers globally to guide them through the process of learning to be gracious with themselves without the need to compare their motherhood journey with anyone else’s. Deborah is a certified life coach and regular contributor on CBS Virginia This Morning. Her advice column, Balance Life with Coach Deborah in Washington Parent, helps parents navigate the chaos, find their balance and not lose themselves in the role of mom. For more information visit www.deborahporter.net. Deborah’s complimentary Confident Mom e-book and additional tips are available here.

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I didn’t feel like I was here to shape, mold or control her. I felt like a guide who was blessed with this wise soul who chose me as her Mom. The word “Mom” didn’t ever really resonate. Instead, I felt like I was learning along with them and they were and are as much my teacher as I am theirs.

I now have three children, ages 22, 20, and 18. I am beyond grateful for the wisdom I have picked up along the way and the opportunity I have now to witness each of them evolve into authentic, self-expressive and courageous young people.

I have taught personal creativity and spiritual growth through a sacred painting practice since 1996, and much of what I teach to adults online has been reinforced or even gathered from my journey as a Mom to my two daughters and my son. I wanted to share these with you now.

#1 Your Child is Born with Deep Inner Creative Wisdom 

Creativity is as much a part of your child from day one on as is their eye color or their smile. It is as basic as breathing and just as necessary.

Creativity doesn’t have to be “taught” to your child, it just needs to be given space to express itself.

I always had crayons, watercolors, lots of paper, glue sticks… (nothing fancy) available for my kids in the kitchen at all times. I also encouraged them to express their creativity in subtler ways, whether it was choosing their clothes or weighing in on what to have for dinner.

As soon as they could talk, I was asking them about their thoughts and their opinions. I considered their own deep, inner, creative wisdom to be purer than my own, somehow closer to their awareness. “Out of the mouths of babes…”

Know that your child is not so much a “blank slate” as a masterpiece being uncovered, one day at a time. They are on a creative journey in this lifetime, one that will be guided by their own inner wisdom. Their ability to thrive along the path and create a life that lights them up is relative to how much they know and access their own brilliance. When you honor this from the very beginning, they will grow up connected to this invaluable inner guidance and inspiration.

#2 Create Non-Structured Space for Your Child to Explore Their Own Knowing

How do you do this? You create space for them to be and create however they like!

For example, a coloring book would be more structured space than a blank piece of paper. A free afternoon after school where they get to choose how to entertain themselves is more non-structured than an after school dance class.

I always made sure my kids had plenty of time that was open and free from any other agenda. Whether it is playing outside, peeling the wrappers off the crayons, playing dress-up or painting / scribbling / doodling, I let them be the creators of their own experience as much as possible.

A cardboard box can transform into a castle, a fire engine or a rocket ship when their imagination is given room to roam.

Along the way, they also learn how to entertain themselves and trust their own inner knowing. And you get to know them, who they are at their core, more and more each time you get curious about what they are thinking and imagining and allow their inner musings to be expressed. 

#3 Look for What Lights Them Up 

At some point early on I read that we are our most authentic self at age 8.

Even though I grew up a total wanna-be artist (after an art teacher when I was 9 said “drawing isn’t her thing.”), at age 8 I had an “art center” under our basement steps, complete with the words ART CENTER stenciled in white on the red walls.

When my kids were little, I was always paying close attention to where they got lit up! When they got really excited about something, or something seemed to come naturally to them, I made a mental note.

Your child has her/his own inner sacred spark, their unique gift only they can share with the world. It is in them, just waiting to emerge, much like a seed has within it the blueprint to grow into a flower or tree—they both simply need the right conditions to grow.

What gets them excited, what holds their attention, is a clue to the special light only they can shine. Pay attention and encourage them to explore and expand whatever is lighting them up!

#4 Understand that Your Child’s Creative Spirit is Her/His Greatest Ally

If there is one thing I could give my children, it would be creativity.

Our world is so clearly in a constant state of change. And our world is crying out for change in almost every area. Preparing our kids for their future with current facts and figures is not going to be nearly as empowering or relevant and prepaying our kids to be able to create the change they desire.

What do they have available to them? What do they want to create, to experience? What are all the ways they can do this?

Creativity ONLY knows possibility. It can ONLY look for new steps to take, solutions, visions of a brighter future, ways to heal, ways to expand….

There is no arguing how overwhelming and complicated life can be. Their is such a breadth of choices career-wise, lifestyle-wise, etc. that it can feel too big, too powerful to manage. Your child’s creative self celebrates the breadth of the “palette” they have to work with. Overwhelm is transformed into freedom. Complications become opportunities to learn, grow and expand. When she/he are tapped into their creative awareness, there is no end, no failure, no mistakes, just an exciting, hair-raising, inspiring journey!

My last bit of encouragement is for you, Zen Mama. Nurture and celebrate your own Creative Spirit. Especially if you don’t consider yourself “creative,” I want you to challenge that belief. Creativity is your chi, your prana, your life force. You are creating your own life, your family’s life, in each and every moment—you are simply either doing it with or without awareness.

Let’s create the art that is our life, and that of our child’s, with inspired awareness!

P.S. My oldest is inspired to save our oceans and encourage sustainable lifestyles. Follow her on Instagram @deepblueworld1

Whitney Freya is an expert in Inspired Living, providing practical tools & practices that free your mind from limitations and scarcity to create more in your life that lights you up from the inside out. Buy her newest book, 30 Days to Unstoppable, Be the Dream Made Visible on amazon.com. Learn more at WhitneyFreya.com

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It doesn’t really matter how I respond. The menu could be filet mignon or fish sticks, and still I will be met with a grimace or, worse, gagging noises. Meal planning is tedious when your customer is a child who has declared buttered toast “too buttery.”

Such are the joys of parenting.

But lately my five o’clock tedium has crept backwards into the afternoon and even morning. I wander into the kitchen and stare disconsolately at the dirty floor, while email snaps its fingers at me from my phone. The repetition and “daily-ness” of motherhood has me waking up, exhausted, and wondering: Do I really have to do this all over again?

Yes I do. There are no sabbaticals in motherhood.

Mom burnout is a feeling of overwhelm about even the simplest of tasks. It’s glancing at a pile of laundry and wanting to burst into tears. My sons quarreling makes me want to walk upstairs into my bedroom, shut the door, and take a nap for four days.

Burnout blows up feelings, but then begs to numb them. This type of pendulum behavior cries out for help, because the feelings of burnout are tethered to shame. A Good Mom would be able to handle it, right? Kamini Wood, certified wellness coach, defines this as “striving to live to external expectations that outsource our worth.” Leaning on these outer “false centers” where endless comparison to the mythical Good Mom is disastrous.

Listen, parenting is the hardest gig out there. Burnout is totally normal.

So what to do when you are experiencing burnout? Here are some ways to tackle it so your days aren’t spent in survival mode:

1. Check in. I am a mom in recovery, sober since 2014. In recovery language, H.A.L.T is a simple check-in tool. Are you feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? It seems simplistic, but that moment of stopping, checking in and taking a breath, allows for processing feelings in an objective way. Annika O’Melia, licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist, describes burnout as “a valid and real emotion and like all human emotions it’s cueing something evolutionary within us. Call up the feeling of overwhelm in you and see if you also have the instinct to look around.” By taking a moment to H. A. L. T. you can “look around” without getting sidetracked.
2. Dig deeper. Big feelings can lead to numbing out, so use H. A. L. T. as a lead-in for helpful introspection. Take time to write about the last time you truly felt angry, or felt a deep soul-hunger for something. Is there a way to deal with your loneliness even though you might be surrounded by others all day? And how about world-weariness? Is your fatigue really fear? Wood suggests that we ask “What are our old stories that might be playing out and we might be projecting?”  Yes, this takes reflection. Having that nightly glass or three of wine won’t take the edge off forever. Your burnout is trying to talk with you.

3. Say hello. Don’t label these feelings as good or bad. That is about as helpful as judging a road sign. Take the time to say the feelings out loud, to the air around you, or to a trusted friend. Speak them.

4. Breathe first. Then ask for help. Every preflight movie tells you to strap that oxygen mask on before you attend to your child. It’s a priority. With burnout, the key is figuring out what your specific oxygen might be. We usually file it under “self care,” but so often this is regarded as just relaxation. Or, since healing often starts with asking for help, we moms avoid it. But burnout says it’s time. As O’Meila puts it: “Overwhelm is a biological message that we can’t do this alone — we won’t survive,” says O’Melia.

5. Pursue whimsy. If you’re like me, learn to play “Dancing Queen” on the ukulele. Whimsy is a great flame-retardant for burnout.

There is good news here. Burnout can signal of better things to come because the laws of nature designed regrowth after a wildfire.

But be advised. The dreaded, “What’s for dinner?” will never go away. It too is a law of nature.

Dana Bowman is an award-winning speaker and author of Bottled: A Mom’s Guide to Early Recovery and How to Be Perfect Like Me. She lives in a sweet little town in the Midwest with her family and too many cats. Visit her at danabowmancreative.com and over at her podcast, Pie and Coffee.

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“He’s been gone two months and three days.” Then it became, “Five months and 17 days.” After several months, I lost count. The new normal had hit. He was creating new relationships and new spaces to call home.

His dorm room. An apartment. The fraternity house. Even the entire college campus.

I wrote about it in a post called “Separate Houses“. When I read it now, I sound a little pitiful. But that’s how it felt for a time. Not long, thank goodness.

I saw a fairly new empty nester this week in my office. She was trying to figure out her own new normal. Her college-age daughter would breeze in for the weekend but spend all her time catching up with friends. Yes. She was home. Yes, mom knew it was her job to step aside. But darn it. She didn’t get the time she wanted with her daughter. After all,  she no longer got to greet that bedhead kid groping her way down the stairs to get a cup of coffee first thing every morning. She didn’t hear the back door slamming after basketball practice: “What’s for dinner?” She’s not getting to enjoy the small glimpses of the child that’s still within the almost grownup she sees before her.

And she missed those moments. A lot of parents miss those moments.

How do you talk to your now emptied child about this new normal? How do you express the kind of time you’d like with her without coming across as needy? What are healthy boundaries?

As I searched my own experience, I discovered three helpful changes in my thinking and behavior.

1.Avoid making assumptions about what time together will be like.

You might have all kinds of ideas about how you’d like a weekend or a holiday to be spent. But your returning child will probably have her own ideas. If you make assumptions, you’re more than likely going to be surprised, and maybe even get hurt. The late teenage years and early twenties aren’t the most empathic of times, and your child may be focused on her independence. She’s not living at home anymore and has had the experience of going and doing whenever she wanted. Coming home for her – maybe even coordinating activities with you – isn’t something she’s used to.

2.Communicate before your time together about your own expectations or desires and theirs.

“We know you’ve got lots of people you want to see. How about we plan to have Saturday brunch, just us? Then the rest of the weekend is up for grabs.” Or, “I’d like to ask that we go as a family to visit Grandma. When could we work that out?” It’s not that those plans are wedged in concrete. You can remain flexible. But you’ve asked for something reasonable. They can as well. These agreements honor the parents, who want a little “alone time” with a child, as well as your child who has others to consider.

Sometimes the shoe is on the other foot, and parents may be busy as well. If you’re communicating and compromising, things will go much more smoothly.

3.Realize you’re practicing a skill you’ll need for the rest of your life – sharing your child with the world and letting go.

If all goes well, and parents want good things for kids, then life will become more complicated. There’ll be a wife or husband, in-laws and babies. How they spend their time will no longer be completely in their control. Just like high school assignments could make or break a weekend, more adult responsibilities will take time – just as they did in your own life.

Letting go is an ongoing journey. But these three ideas can help clear that path and avoid miscommunication and conflict.

Dr. Margaret Rutherford, a clinical psychologist, has practiced for twenty-five years in Fayetteville, Arkansas., Her work can be found at http://www.drmargaretrutherford.com, as well as HuffPost, Psych Central, Psychology Today, the Gottman Blog and others. She’s the author of “Marriage Is Not For Chickens”, a perfect gift book on marriage, and hosts a weekly podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Her new book, Perfectly Hidden Depression, will be published by New Harbinger in 2019.

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I just finished reading The Conscious Parent and The Awakened Family, by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. What I’ve learned is that our children have a soul contract with us: we call these souls forth so that we may be given out greatest opportunity: the chance to awaken to our unconsciousness. To choose to see our children as our spiritual teacher, raising us up as much as we are raising them, is to participate in a chipping away of the ego on an epic scale.

It is a process of unfolding, a journey that ultimately will not only heal us, but bring us to the present moment. It is a process of allowing, surrendering, moment to moment. Of feeling the triggers when they come, but then stepping back and witnessing them for what they are: old wounds, begging to be healed. It is a constant practice. It is exhausting, But no more so that being unconscious.

Along the way, I came up with a system to navigate this process:

1. Identify the feeling: At first, it will feel like our children are triggering feelings in us all day long. That is a good sign, a sign that we are waking up and becoming aware of our unconsciousness. Each time we feel a strong emotion, we need to stop and ask “What is this bringing up in me?”

2. Identify the trigger: Each night, I take five minutes to journal and identify where my triggers came from. Sometimes, they’re related to my upbringing. In this case, I ask myself “What wounds are being excavated for me to look at?”

3. Identify the boundary: Another form of triggering can occur when we fail to set a definitive boundary, and then we get upset with our child when they force us to look at it. This kept happening at bedtime for us. We weren’t consistent with the routine. Now, we set the boundary: two stories and two songs. Period.

4. Identify the mirroring: our children mirror or inner state. If they are being aggressive, guess what? We’re pissed off about something.

5. Connect instead of correcting: Yesterday, Garrett skipped his nap and was exhausted, throwing ice cubes all over the floor. So I kneeled down, looked into his eyes, and said “What’s up?” “I’m tired Mommy,” he pleaded. “Okay, so how about you go pick up the cubes, then we’ll snuggle on the couch and read a book? Daddy can do dinner, then we’ll go to bed early. “Yay! You did it Mommy!” He squealed, and off he went to pick up the cubes.

6. Identify the lesson our children are teaching us: The other day we went to a walking trail that starts right off of a busy road. We grabbed Garrett’s hands to get him down the trail a bit, away from the road. He kicked and screamed the whole way, so I kneeled down, looked in his eyes, and asked “what’s up?” He wailed “I want to start from the beginning!” So all the way back to the car we trudged. “Now,” he said “you walk next to me Mommy.” So off we went, with me between him and the guardrail, full of angst, trusting that this was going somewhere. When we got back to my husband, Garrett said “now, that’s how you do it Mommy. You walk next to me. You don’t drag me.”

And that is conscious parenting: we don’t drag our children down the path of life. We walk beside them, in partnership, learning from each other.

Jessica Gammell-Bennett is a Wife, Mother, Reiki Master, Teacher and Writer. After a fifteen year illness, she was able to heal herself and have a child with Reiki.  Now, she uses Reiki to heal her husband and son. She believes that by healing ourselves and our children, we will heal our world. She is known as the “Reiki Master Mama” on social media. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and visit her website to learn more. https://www.jessicagammellbennett.com/

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As a corporate trainer who teaches how to build confidence through communication, etiquette and image, my hope is to instill in her a feeling of self-worth. For a young teen to feel good about herself is an accomplishment in itself and I want her to have a better experience than I did in those trying middle and high school years.

When I was growing up, my parents supported me in everything I was involved in. My father was my basketball, softball and volleyball coach. They never missed a game or activity I was involved in. But I was a target for getting picked on and bullied as I was the “coaches” kid and it wasn’t always easy. My daughter does not play sports, but is very active in music, dance and theatre and I can see her confidence build through these activities. It makes me feel so excited and proud of her every day.

Kids want their parents to see them succeed. They want you at their sporting events and choral concerts. It makes them feel good for you to see their accomplishments. I praise her at every possible chance I get.

My daughter knows who is popular and who isn’t, and who is smart and who isn’t, but treating everyone with kindness and respect no matter what they look like, who they are or what they’ve done is an important aspect of learning confidence and good etiquette. These are the aspects of confidence that should be praised, not by how we look.

There is no one way to teach confidence, but here are some ways to help you raise your daughters into bright, successful confident women.

Model Confident Behavior. Always be aware of how you act and speak as your daughter will be looking to you as an example. Girls are influenced at a very young age, so be careful! When she sees you as confident, she is more likely to be that way herself.

Body Image and your Body Language speak volumes about you. Girls will pick up on this immediately.  Be mindful and careful about what you say about your own body. I may not like the way jeans fit or how I look in a swimsuit, but make sure you are not too critical of yourself in front of her.  Discuss healthy food choices and keep snacks around the house to encourage healthy eating.

Don’t’ complain that you need to go on a diet and lose weight. It will only encourage her to look at herself and criticize her own body. Show her that by being comfortable about your body no matter what size or shape you are will make your daughter feel confident in her own skin.

Self-image perspective. Your daughter’s self-worth should not be tied to her appearance. Teach her how to respect her body by how she dresses it. Praise her for her kindness she shows others, her determination and her positive characteristics. My own daughter prefers to just fit in with the others and not stand out too much. Many girls in middle school want to experiment with makeup and wear clothing that may be too revealing.  Show her how what she wears is directly associated with how she is perceived by those around her.  Dressing for success starts at a young age.

Self- worth is not about accomplishments. It’s always easy to praise her accomplishments, but it’s even more important to show her that hard work and determination are just as important.  This is crucial for her success later in life. Perseverance and facing challenges is what builds character. We live in a world today where everyone gets a medal and there are no losers in sports. This is not the real world. You get the job, or you don’t.  You sell the product or you don’t. We don’t win every time. It’s how you handle defeat that will build her self-worth and character.

Support her passions. If she loves a sport or the flute, support it!  Encourage her to try new things and other activities to see if she has an interest in it. If your daughter does not seem to show an interest in anything, try something together! Take guitar lessons together or go for walks or jogging. You just never know what might happen.

Monitor social media. This can be such a difficult thing because young girls are so intrigued by what they see and read on all social media channels. Their phone is their best friend and are lost without it. Monitor their Snapchat and Instagram accounts. My own daughter has limits and I stick to it. No phone after 7pm.

A daughter who is confident with herself and her abilities will be less troubled by peer pressure, social environments and less concerned with her appearance.

Treva Graves loves the work she does specializing in professional training and business development.  She is a corporate communication coach, image and etiquette expert.  She travels locally and nationally speaking on how to present your best self which leads to confidence and success in your life both personally and professionally.  She loves Starbucks, wine tasting and dining with her “foodie” friends. www.trevagraves.com

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