One of the most difficult times to make that decision is when your partner is struggling with addiction. It’s a far more complex decision. On the one hand, your partner is in their hour of need. On the other hand, addiction can have a severe impact and consequences on those around them, particularly loved ones.

Which makes the question of “should I stay or should I go?” an incredibly tough one to answer.

Ultimately, there’s no right or wrong answer. Everybody is different. Everybody reacts in different ways. Everybody copes in different ways and every relationship hurt by addiction plays out in a different way.

However, there are tell-tale signs it’s time to leave, time to stand by your partner and other tips on the best approach to take when thinking about leaving someone due to addiction.

Why Stay With An Addict?

The reasons as to why you would want to stay with someone suffering with addiction, whether that be drug, alcohol, gambling or any other addiction, is quite clear. They are someone you care for dearly and you only want to see them get better.

However, in many cases it all comes down to fear. Firstly, if in an abusive relationship, which addiction can often lead to, then there’s the fear of the reaction. Then there’s the other fears like how you’re perceived.

For example, will people think you are a terrible person? Or will your partner do something drastic if you leave? What will happen to your partner?

Facing those fears can be incredibly difficult. But if the relationship isn’t working for you, then you also need to think about your own health, well-being, and in some cases safety.

Taking a step back from the situation, speaking to friends, family and even professionals will help you make a more rationalised decision on whether it’s a good idea to stay and support your partner, or if the situation is just too toxic and it’s time to part ways.

Why Leave an Addict?

Addiction is a cruel disease and it’s one that can completely transform a person from the one you knew and loved when you met.

Addiction is one of the major driving forces behind things like domestic violence in marriages, while it can also have huge financial implications and health impacts too. Among the main reasons why you should perhaps start considering leaving a relationship that is being influenced by addiction include:

Abuse

There is a clear correlation between addiction and abuse, and while not every addict is abusive, if your partner is being abusive towards you, then for your own safety, and perhaps even your children or other loved ones safety, it could well be time to leave.

Addiction can see loved ones behave completely out of character and whether it be verbal or physical abuse, it’s not something anyone should suffer with.

Denial

One problem you may find in a partner is that they point blank refuse to accept that they have a problem with addiction. In their eyes it may be that they have it under control and there are no problems.

Ignoring you and your request for them to get help can be frustrating. However, this is normal, and it is perhaps worth trying a number of times to open their eyes. If that doesn’t seem to be working though, and you cannot help that person, then packing your bags may be the only option.

If it gets to that point, questions over whether they can change and the impact they are having on you should be brought into question and decisions can be made based upon those outcomes.

Secrecy

Addiction will naturally bring secrets. Partners will try to hide their addiction and the misuse of substances can lead to things like theft, cheating and have real financial implications on the both of you, not to mention increasing stress levels and tension within a household.

That isn’t a healthy relationship. It needs to be an equal partnership that is open and honest, and if that’s not the case then perhaps it’s what opens the door for you.

Should I Stay or Go?

Essentially, every relationship that is suffering from addiction is different, but asking and answering those key questions and highlighting any negative impacts on your relationship will help you make a clear decision that is best for yourself, the rest of your family, and even your partner in the long run.

Speak to people, speak to a professional and get clear advice and perspectives rather than bottling it all up, and the decision will be a much easier one to make.

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Build Trust

A marriage devoid of trust is undeniably on the brink of collapse. Trust serves as a protective barrier for a couple, and each time it’s damaged, rebuilding it becomes increasingly challenging. Given its critical role, it’s imperative to safeguard it and never underestimate its importance. Even if only a sliver of faith remains between two spouses, they can start fortifying it immediately.

While infidelity is an obvious destroyer of trust, it isn’t the sole cause of suspicion in a relationship. Badmouthing one’s partner to family and friends can be equally damaging. When couples cannot share certain thoughts or emotions with each other, it indicates a fragile trust. This trepidation must be addressed delicately between partners to uncover the underlying problem.

Prioritize Intimacy

“Intimacy” goes beyond just physical interactions in the bedroom. It encompasses feelings of closeness, unity, and fondness. Different couples may need varying degrees of intimacy to maintain satisfaction in their marriage, hence it’s crucial that they consider their partner’s emotional requirements and endeavor to meet them as effectively as possible. If one partner craves regular affection while the other is content with occasional displays, they should initiate a dialogue about what affection means to them, and find a mutual ground.

It’s a beautiful feeling to know that your spouse cherishes your company. Couples should prioritize spending quality time together. This could involve simple activities like watching a movie at home, cooking a meal together, or scheduling routine date nights. Make these moments together hallowed and consistent. This approach prevents couples from crimes such as sex offenses and provides temporary respite from daily life pressures.

Forgive Each Other

At some point, your significant other might do something that causes you pain, frustration, or annoyance, and you might also end up doing the same. There may be instances where these actions are intentional due to disagreements or misunderstandings.

Forgiving can be complex yet crucial in a marriage, given that no one is infallible. It’s vital to give your partner space to err, as you too will have your moments of slip-ups. When you falter, apologize promptly and address the issues at hand. This practice fosters a culture of forgiveness and fortifies your marital bond.

Communicate

If you are facing an issue, share it with your partner. Often, difficulties in marriage stem from a lack of communication. For instance, you may be bothered by your husband’s irregular shower habits. While this might seem trivial to others, it could affect your closeness in the long run. Over time, this minor issue can create a significant rift in your relationship that could have been easily fixed through straightforward communication.

Humility

Everyone has shortcomings, often laid bare in relationships faster than anywhere else. Recognizing that you’re not flawless, that errors are inevitable, and that forgiveness is necessary, is a fundamental element of a successful marriage. A superior attitude towards your partner can cause resentment and hinder your relationship’s advancement.

If humility is something you find challenging, take a pencil and swiftly note down three things at which your partner excels compared to you. This simple activity should help maintain your humility. Repeat this as frequently as needed.

Endnote

Don’t forget to maintain dedication towards your spouse, your family, and the life you’ve crafted together. Provide emotional and daily support for each other. As time passes, you, your spouse, and your relationship may evolve, but keeping these concepts in mind can contribute to the long-term success of your marriage.

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If you are noticing that your spouse might have a problem with alcohol, then you need to look for some of these signs, and then reach out to them to get some help. An alcohol problem or even an addiction to alcohol doesn’t need to be a marriage ender, but you do need to catch it fast.

They Are Drinking In Isolation Every Day, And Drinking More Than Normal

Many people are social drinkers. They will go out to watch a sports game and have a few beers, invite friends over and share a glass of wine, or host a dinner party and allow both the bottles and conversations to flow freely. Typically this is okay, because most people don’t get drunk at social events, and if they do there are plenty of eyes on them to ensure they don’t harm themselves or others. However, if you have noticed that your spouse has started drinking in isolation without others around, that can be a problem, especially if they are drinking a lot.

While drinking one can of a beer or one shot of whiskey with a meal isn’t a red flag, drinking an entire six pack or half a bottle without a reason can be a massive problem that you need to react to.

They Have Started Binge Drinking

Binge drinking is another massive problem, where your spouse will drink and drink way beyond their normal limit. Often this can lead to them making rash decisions while drunk, throwing up or having other health problems, or even passing out and having one rough hangover the next morning.

There are plenty of risks associated with binge drinking that can damage your relationship as well as your partner’s health. So if you notice they are binge drinking, one time is enough and you need to get help.

They Drink During Or After High Stress Moments

You’ve had an argument, or had a rough day, or the bills just came in, and your spouse is off to the liquor cabinet. While many people drink for a reason, such as to celebrate a happy occasion or to watch a sports game, if your spouse is only drinking during or after a moment of very high stress, then that is a real problem.

Often that doesn’t make the problem go away, and it also causes a lot of issues where your spouse can get even angrier or more frustrated at the situation or even at you.This anger and high emotions can escalate, so make sure to get help and nip this in the bud.

Help Is Available And Accessible

While it is easy to feel powerless in the face of an addiction, or become scared and worried that any move you make to confront your spouse could lead to the end of your marriage, you can seek out help. Whether you decide to hold an intervention with friends and family to talk to your spouse, or you want to focus on getting professional help, you can take action and you should.

A problem with alcohol isn’t something you need to try to handle alone, and getting the help you need is going to save your marriage.

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Then there is this idea that after marriage, the sexual arousal of a couple decreases. As you turn from a highly-charged, passionate relationship to a more settled life, it may feel like the spark has gone out — or so it is said. But does this actually happen?

Well, the reality is that it isn’t always the case. Studies have shown that sexual desire can remain strong throughout a marriage, even as the years go by. At the same time, other sources point to lowered relation excitement as a sign of healthy and mature marriage.

So how can you keep your sexual desire strong throughout the marriage? Read the article below to find out.

Relationship Duration and Sexual Desire

Let’s start by looking at relationship duration and sexual desire. As mentioned above, experienced couples tend to have a lower level of sexual desire than couples just beginning their relationship.

One can attribute this situation to the fact that the novelty of being together has worn off after some time. As a result, there isn’t the same level of excitement as before.

More specifically, this can be attributed to both physical and psychological factors.

The Physical Side

On the physical side, sexual arousal may be lower due to decreased testosterone levels or boredom with the same sexual activities. It is relatively easy to fix with some creative foreplay.

Although ordering a few dildos for men may not be the entry-level conversation in a heteronormative relationship, it’s worth considering as one way to add variety and spice.

Alternatively, consider adding some roleplay to your regular sexual routine to spice up your sex life. It may be just what you need to get interested in exploring your bodies once again.

The Psychological Side

On the psychological side, couples may find that they’ve grown accustomed to each other and don’t feel the same excitement. Rather than a romantic lover, they see their partner as a family member or companion. This perception may stem from a wide array of issues, from lack of communication to unresolved resentments.

The key here is to work together and find what put the relationship in a rut in the first place and then take steps to address it. It may be as simple as taking more time to talk to each other or as complex as going for couple’s therapy. Whatever the case, it’s crucial that both partners take ownership of their issues and work together toward a solution.

What the Science Says About Sexual Desire

An article from the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy takes a closer look at the issue of sexual desire in marriage. The authors conducted a study on 170 participants aged 18-25 and accounted for factors such as age, relationship duration, and satisfaction.

The results showed that for women, relationship satisfaction was the strongest predictor of sexual desire. In other words, when they felt fulfilled in their relationship, they were more likely to experience stronger sexual desire and maintain it throughout the later parts of their affair.

For men, the study found that being in a long-term committed relationship does not show a decrease in sexual desire. On top of that, men in the study reported that their sexual desire increased with relationship duration. It suggests that building an even stronger connection after marriage is possible.

Those findings match up with other studies, which indicate that couples in long-term relationships can maintain strong sexual desire. Still, there is a clear distinction between men’s and women’s sexual needs.

Another longitudinal study researched the different rates of sexual desire decline between men and women in marriage. The results showed that while men’s needs lessened with time, for women’s, it declined steeply. Certain relationship milestones like marrying, having children, and so on were all causes for this decline.

The study underlines the importance of both partners understanding each other’s needs and ensuring they are met to maintain a healthy relationship.

What Does That Mean for Your Relationship?

First of all, there is no rule that says that sexual desire has to decline after marriage. In fact, studies show the opposite — couples in long-term relationships can maintain healthy levels of sexual bond and even see an increase over time if they are willing to commit to the work.

The key here is to stay open and honest with each other about your needs, desires, and expectations — both in terms of sex and communication overall. It’s also essential for couples to make time for romance that isn’t just sexual but rather an expression of love between two people who care about each other.

Your sexual desire doesn’t have to define your relationship after marriage. What does matter is how you and your partner choose to care for each other, talk about it openly, and be willing to make an effort to maintain a strong connection.

If you feel like you can’t handle this alone, there is no shame in asking for help — whether from a couple’s therapist or simply opening up to friends and family.

In Conclusion

At the end of the day, it all comes down to communication: talking honestly about what you need and want out of your relationship, so both partners can get their needs met. This way, marriage doesn’t have to mean an end to sexual desire but instead can become another step in growing closer together.

The desire for sex may change over time, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. By understanding each other’s needs and speaking about them openly, couples can maintain the same level of sexual desire they had before marriage — or even grow stronger in that department!

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In particular, one of the essential components of creating a successful marriage is learning to navigate the unconscious, hidden aspects of your psyche known as your “shadow.”

This blog post will discuss the steps of addressing and understanding your shadow and how it can help create a healthier relationship with your partner.

Let’s get started.

What is Shadow, and How Does It Impact Our Relationship?

The concept of “shadow” was developed by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Jung, and it refers to the parts of our psyche that we try to ignore or repress.

We perceive these aspects of ourselves as negative or undesirable, such as anger, jealousy, or shame.

In a marriage or relationship, the shadow can significantly influence how we interact with our partner.

For example, sexual shadow refers to our hidden desires and fantasies that we may feel ashamed or embarrassed to share with our partner. Keeping these sexual desires hidden can create a disconnection or lack of intimacy.

Furthermore, when we repress or deny aspects of our shadow, it can manifest as projection. We unconsciously attribute our hidden desires or flaws to our partner, causing conflict or resentment in the relationship.

For instance, if one partner struggles with their own shadow, they may project their fears and insecurities onto their partner and accuse them of infidelity.

Therefore, the key to a successful marriage is acknowledging and integrating our shadows by bringing them into our conscious awareness and finding healthy ways to express and communicate them with our partner.

This can be challenging and requires a great deal of vulnerability and trust, but it can ultimately lead to a more profound sense of connection, intimacy, and understanding between partners.

How to Face Our Shadow and Build a Strong Relationship

Facing our shadow and building a strong relationship are two interconnected processes.

And often, it can be difficult to open up and face our innermost fears to build a strong and meaningful relationship with our partner.

So, here are some steps to face our shadow and build a strong relationship:

1.  Self-Reflection

Start by examining your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. What are some patterns or tendencies that you notice in yourself? What are some triggers that bring out your less desirable qualities?

Take time to explore these aspects of yourself and identify what you’re afraid of, what you’re avoiding, or what you’re ashamed of.

Once you’ve identified your triggers and patterns, you must acknowledge your flaws and take responsibility for your actions.

Admitting your flaws and weaknesses is not a sign of weakness but strength and self-awareness. Acknowledge your role in conflicts, take responsibility for your mistakes, and apologize when necessary.

2.  Practice Self-Compassion

It is essential to be mindful of our own feelings and needs and take the time to be kind to ourselves and our partners.

This involves acknowledging our mistakes, forgiving ourselves, and not taking our shortcomings too personally.

Self-compassion can also help us stay committed to our marriage, even when we are struggling.

For example, taking time to practice self-care and recognize our strengths can help us stay focused on building a healthy marriage.

Finally, practicing self-compassion can help us accept our partners as they are, flaws and all, and work on our weaknesses together.

3.  Communication

When couples communicate openly, honestly, and frequently, it allows for a better understanding of each other and provides a platform for greater emotional connection.

By discussing problems and conflicts as soon as they arise, couples can work to resolve them and prevent future ones. Listening and responding to one another’s needs and feelings is also essential in effective communication.

When couples try to communicate, they can better know one another and grow together.

Communication is essential in a successful marriage, and couples should continuously strive to foster communication and connection.

4.  Boundaries

Setting appropriate boundaries at the outset of marriage allows individuals to maintain their autonomy and respect for one another. In addition, boundaries provide each partner with a sense of security and stability.

Couples can avoid unnecessary conflict, frustration, and inappropriate behaviors by establishing and adhering to boundaries. Furthermore, boundaries help couples maintain healthy communication and foster a sense of trust.

Establishing clear and consistent boundaries on money, time, and family is essential for a successful marriage.

When boundaries are respected, couples can better understand one another and work together to build a strong and lasting relationship.

5.  Growth and Learning

Some ways to prioritize growth and learning in your marriage might include:

• Pursuing individual interests and hobbies that challenge you to grow and learn
• Attending workshops together on topics that interest you both
• Setting aside time to discuss your individual and shared goals, dreams, and aspirations
• Seeking out new experiences together, such as traveling or trying new activities
• Continuously working on communication and conflict resolution skills are essential to navigating the challenges of any long-term relationship.

Overall, prioritizing growth and learning is a great way to keep your marriage healthy and strong over the long term.

By continuing to evolve and learn together, you can build a foundation of shared experiences and a deep understanding of each other that will sustain your relationship for years.

Practice Tips for Shadow Work in Marriage

Here are some tips on practicing shadow work in marriage:

1. Accept accountability for your feelings, thoughts, and actions. It can be easy to blame our partner for things that go wrong in the relationship, but it’s important to recognize our role in the dynamics.
2. Find out what triggers you. What are the aspects of your relationship that make you react forcefully, emotionally, or defensively? Make a note of these triggers and consider why they have that effect on you.
3. Consider your earlier experiences. The way we approach relationships can be influenced by our prior experiences. Reflect on how your past may be impacting your current relationship, and be willing to explore and confront any patterns that may be holding you back.

Remember that shadow work is an ongoing process. It takes time and effort to explore and confront the hidden parts of ourselves, but the rewards can be significant in terms of personal growth and improved relationships.

Conclusion

The key to a successful marriage is understanding your shadow and how it impacts your relationship.

Identifying and accepting our shadow traits and blind spots and becoming more self-aware is essential to creating a healthy, balanced relationship with our partner.

So, what are you waiting for?

Start communicating openly and honestly to foster a deeper level of understanding and connection with your partner that will last for years.

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One is in the element of suffering that is present, along with a desire to alleviate that suffering. Compassion is innate and arises out of loving kindness as a natural response to suffering or pain, but there is also the element of action.

Having compassion means that you take action to offer kindness and understanding when failure, mistakes or misfortune are experienced, rather than criticizing, condemning, or otherwise judging harshly. If the suffering is experienced within oneself, the desire and action taken to alleviate that suffering, is called self-compassion.

Compassion versus Empathy

Compassion is most commonly confused with empathy. Yet, there are some key differences between empathy and compassion. According to the Oxford Dictionary, “Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” Empathy is that comforting “me too” experience that creates connection. Compassion also serves to create a sense of connection. However, compassion is not a feeling, it’s an action.

The two main differences between compassion and empathy are the element of suffering that exists and the desire to take action to alleviate that suffering. Suffering may or may not exist when experiencing empathy, but not necessarily. Also, you can feel empathy for someone, identify with their feelings and perhaps even their experience, without a desire to take action.

Compassion versus Sympathy

Sympathy is different from both empathy and compassion in that it’s generally a feeling of sorrow for someone else’s misfortune. It’s also an expression of care and concern that is often accompanied by a desire to see that person happier. With compassion, there is a recognition of the other person’s emotional state and a desire to take action to help alleviate their suffering. Similar to the experience of empathy, you can feel sympathy for someone with or without the desire to take action to alleviate their suffering.

Compassion versus Pity

Pity is also commonly confused with compassion, but they are two very different concepts. Pity is a feeling of concern for someone thought to be inferior or weaker than oneself and will generally result in a feeling of separation and disconnection, since pity is rooted in a sense of superiority. Whereas compassion is recognizing the weakened state and taking action to help the individual, while not treating that person as inferior. It means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfections are all part of the shared human experience.

Self-Compassion

The practice of compassion begins with acknowledging our own suffering and cultivating more loving kindness toward ourselves. According to Buddhist philosophy, we must care about ourselves before we are able to care about other people. If we are continually judging and criticizing ourselves while trying to be kind to others, it will only lead to feelings of separation and isolation.

When we connect with our innate compassion, we contact our true nature, strengthen our spirit, and allow others to do the same. Self-compassion is the purest form of self-love and aside from the many health benefits, including reduced stress, increased happiness, and increased social connectedness, it provides an ability to be more compassionate toward others, and results in greater overall resilience.

KJ Foster, PhD, LMHC, CAP is the Founder and CEO of Fostering Resilience™. She is a leading expert on fostering resilience for overall health and wellbeing. Dr. Foster specializes in working with individuals and family members who are impacted by substance abuse issues, helping them to effectively communicate from a place of forgiveness and compassion, instead of anger and shame. She is an author, speaker, and YouTube creator. Her latest book is entitled Fostering Resilience for the Family in Recovery: A Guide to Helping You and Your Loved One Get Out of the Swamp of Substance Abuse and Addiction. Available on Amazon at https://bit.ly/FRFRBOOK and on her website www.drkjfoster.org

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Communicating with your spouse is no different. The dialog need not be top- heavy, regardless of the topic – sex, money, the kids, vacation, office intrigue tell it like it is. Most of all, be open and honest.

The subject of openness and honesty in communicating with your spouse is a subject that has stirred the hearts and minds of experts, therapists, lawyers, pastors and ordinary folk. Take a peek at the library shelves and see how many books have been written on this topic. You get a hodge-podge of wisdom; yet despite the proliferation of literature, seminars and love-ins, spouses are still asking themselves if they communicate enough, over-communicate, or whether they’re doing it right.

There’s actually no right or wrong way to communicate with your spouse. But we’ll repeat what we said earlier: honesty reigns!

Communication: Tell-Tale Signs Pre-Marriage

During the dating stage, people are able to decipher each other’s body language and silence. This ability to ‘guess’ what the other person is thinking comes from a heightened sense of sensitivity and intimacy. The dating phase of your relationship will alert you to tell-tale signs of future communication problems and you need to resolve any conflicts before you make that’ commitment. The inability to express one’s feelings to a loved one should raise antennas because without communication, how can love flourish?

Talking to one another is the essence of any man-woman relationship. Sure, sexual attraction counts too, but over the long term, your comfort level in communicating with your spouse is vital. It is the compass by which you steer your marriage to happiness or on the rocks.

We’re going to mention some tell-tale signs that should alert you to potential problems:

How’s the family?

How often does your date mention his parents and siblings? When he speaks of his family, does he do so with enthusiasm and affection? When he tells you stories of his childhood, does he remember conversations with his mom and dad and does he share them with you?

There is something fundamentally wrong when a person does not talk about his family or avoids the subject altogether. If your future spouse withdraws from the conversation when the subject of family is raised, then think twice about marrying this person.

Have you got anything pleasant to say?‘

When your future spouse tends to be negative and has the annoying habit of criticizing others often, be wary. Be careful if he or she tends to put you down or belittles you. If a person is stingy with compliments, that’s a sign of insecurity. An opinionated person does not make for pleasant company. Racist comments or jokes that are expressed way too often should be a warning sign as well.

Why so emotional?

Have you ever been in a conversation where you say something innocent or harmless and your date snaps at you for no reason? Or have you been in a situation where the conversation begins calmly but somehow ends up in a shouting match? When emotions get in the way, nothing is accomplished. You may wish to postpone your discussion until both of you are calm and collected. There is no room for tears, sullenness, and emotional blackmail in spousal communication.

No comment‘

A frequent ‘no comment’ reaction is a sign of uncommunicativeness. Either your future spouse is intellectually lazy or is simply not interested in exchanging ideas with you. If this is the case, imagine how barren the marital landscape would be. When animated conversations are absent in a marriage, it leads to boredom. Boredom in turn can kill a marriage. A ‘no comment’ reaction does not necessarily equate with tact and diplomacy!

Suffering from verbal diarrhea?‘

Being at the other end of the spectrum is not too appetizing either. Listening to someone who talks too much is tiring. There should be balance between being a talker and a listener. People who dominate the conversation tend to be insensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Give your spouse the chance to say what’s on his mind.

Timing‘

Sales people love to say that ‘timing is everything.’ In a marriage, when one spouse needs something from the other, there’s the ‘how to say it’ and there’s also the ‘when to say it.’

When your husband comes home from the office and has had a harrowing day of meetings and arguing with the boss, don’t welcome him home with a string of complaints about the garbage collector, the plumber or the dry cleaner. When your spouse troubleshoots all day in the office and puts out fires, don’t overwhelm him with your own litany of troubles.

‘Can’t you see I’m exhausted?’ is the wrong reaction as well. When your spouse comes to you and starts spilling the beans, just say, ‘honey, I had a bad day in the office today. I know this is important to you, but do you think we can discuss this on Sunday when you and I are more relaxed? Why don’t we go to that breakfast place and we can flesh things out over eggs and coffee?’

In addition to a good sense of timing, a generous dose of compassion and empathy are also in order. When your spouse comes home and tells you that she was bypassed for promotion, don’t start telling her how incompetent she is and that she should have been more assertive. Remember that she just suffered a letdown and her ego is probably hurting.

Instead, show compassion and say: ‘honey, I’m sorry that management failed to realize that you can make a valuable contribution to the company. I know you work hard but you’re being bypassed for promotion doesn’t mean that you aren’t capable. They must have reasons for choosing someone else. This is your chance to turn disappointment into opportunity. Maybe you’ll get it next time, or perhaps it’s time to re-think your career prospects. Whatever you decide, I’m behind you 100%.’

A favorite advice of experts is that couples must set up specific times to ‘brief’ each other. Major issues like upcoming trips, home renovations, and the children’s education are topics that can’t be dealt with on the fly. Make it a point to schedule discussions so that these subjects can be dealt with intelligently and with mutual consent.

Even if there are no major issues to discuss, husband and wife must make the effort to be alone together so they can remind themselves how much they love each other and that their marriage is solid.

How’s this as an example?

Husband: What’s new with you? Anything you want to tell me?‘

Wife: Nothing important, but let’s take a long walk in the park, shall we, and just shoot the breeze? I want to feel physically close to you and tell myself how lucky I am to be married to you.‘

With that much love in marriage, who needs a divorce lawyer?

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Grieving is an intensely emotional and unstable process in a marriage. As one or both partners grieve a loss, couples tend to downplay the extent of the stress it places on their partnership. They might not even recognize that escalation of fights or tension has its underlying source in grief. Marriages can expect to go through a period of turbulence.

If a marriage or partnership is to survive this difficult time, communication is critical. Many couples find that, at the very time they most need to, they are unable to talk with one another in a meaningful and supportive way. With so much at stake, partners tend to hide their vulnerability and needs, mask their anger, and avoid discussion of sensitive issues. Unexpressed feelings then find expression in distorted ways—for example, in explosions of anger, repetitious arguments, and sarcastic and belittling comments.

After the death of a loved one, partners are more likely to take marriage much more seriously. They realize in a concrete way that time is limited, life is precious, and love is more important than anything else. This awareness can inspire partners to work on their communication in order to heal the patterns that might have created distance instead of connection and intimacy.

James and Cecile both lost their fathers suddenly to heart attacks, Cecile’s two years before James’s. As is often the case, the first death was the most difficult for their marriage, because James did not really understand what Cecile was going through. With the second death, their shared experience of loss drew them closer and helped them resolve earlier misunderstandings and hurt.

In the devastating loss of a parent, James and Cecile both appreciated the fact that the companionship and support of a partner are priceless. They each expressed faith in their partner’s ability to come through for them in the future. With this new understanding, many people have set out to challenge the conditioning that holds them back from the loving and supportive relationships that they want and deserve.

Here are eight suggestions for grieving partners:

1. Remind each other that grief creates considerable stress in your partnership/marriage. Escalation of fights and tension is common.
2. If you are the non-grieving partner, educate yourself about what your grieving partner is going through: talk to others about grief, read books, listen to podcasts to learn whatever you can about the nature and timing of grief. Understand that people grieve in different ways.
3. Actively communicate with one another. Set aside specific times to talk, exploring how you are supporting one another, what you need from one another (the nongrieving partner has needs too!), and how grief is affecting the relationship.
4. Take time for yourself, without feeling guilty for withdrawing. You need solitary time for reflection and healing.
5. Look at the issues that surface in your marriage—resentments, walls between you, compromises, unhealthy conditioned responses. Consider couples therapy for healing unresolved issues.
6. Review from time to time the daily losses your relationship has encountered. Have these losses been acknowledged, grieved and integrated into the marriage? Some losses may need additional healing—perhaps a miscarriage or infidelity. You may want to draw a loss timeline (p.16-19, Honoring Grief) to get an overall perspective of the presence of loss in your relationship.
7. Use grief as an opportunity to be more vulnerable and open with one another. Grief opens hearts.
8. Acknowledge that grief will change you and your relationship. Explore new visions and possibilities for a more meaningful and loving life together.

Alexandra Kennedy MA MFT is a psychotherapist in private practice (45 years) and author of “Honoring Grief: Creating a Space to Let Yourself Heal”; “Losing a Parent, The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss”, and “How Did I Miss All This Before? Waking Up to the Magic of Our Ordinary Lives.” Alexandra is a frequent guest on national media. She has taught a popular graduate level course on grief at John F Kennedy University, was a faculty member of University of California Santa Cruz Extension and at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology. For more information on coaching and speaking programs visit www.alexandrakennedy.com.

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The 8 Best Tips to Find You the Best Deal and Keep You Happily Married

Buying a new car is a stressful process. No doubt, both you and your wife have very different ideas about what you need, and of course, lot of arguments break out regarding just how much you are willing to commit yourself to paying for the next five to seven years. Today’s car market has enabled people to own any vehicle they so choose due to flexible and long term payment plans and low interest rates. Even luxury automobiles once financially tenable for only the very wealthy are now within the reach of the average car buyer. Unfortunately, to bring these payments into a bracket that is affordable for the average Joe, it becomes necessary to spread the entire cost out over a seven or eight year term, meaning you will pay exorbitant amounts of money in interest and will also still pay high monthly fees for the privilege of owning your brand new vehicle. Not eager to be car rich and cash poor for a period of 7-8 years, chances are pretty good that you and your wife are not seeing eye to eye on the matter. The truth is you can own anything that you want, but the simple caveat is…you must be willing to pay for it, and often that price is simply too high. But try convincing your wife of this truism with the slick salesman at the car dealership schmoozing her into believing yes, not only CAN she afford a 2019 Lexus, but she also DESERVES it. There is no doubt that to survive the minefield known as buying a new car, you and your wife need to have a solid game plan and to stick to it.

Here are eight leading tips on things you can do to guide you and your wife through the car buying process without landing in divorce court: 

• Decide ahead of time what you can afford and what you need.

An honest assessment of your family’s needs in the context of a realistic monthly budget is the starting point to buying a car without ending your marriage. To do this, it helps to understand the different ways you use your vehicle and what you need to get out of whichever car you decide to purchase. While your wife might long for the newest Mini Cooper S Coupe convertible, it may not only be out of your price range, but it also could be ill-suited to your family’s lifestyle. After all, if you have a family of five, and you can only fit two in the new sports car, it’s not going to be a practical purchase for you. And let’s face it; most of us aren’t looking to buy extra cars just to have fun with. We need our vehicles to transport the kids to school and take dogs and cats to the vet and to get to and from work and the grocery store.

Another important consideration is future wear and tear. Are you willing to put in the time to keep a white vehicle clean? Sure, it looks fantastic on the lot all perfectly polished. But will you be embarrassed looking at the same salt-stained, mud-covered white vehicle sitting in your driveway in desperate need of a car wash? Got a white dog? Maybe black carpeting and cloth seats aren’t the best idea after all!

Be sure to consider fuel economy when making your selections as well. If you do a lot of driving, you won’t want to be saddled with incredibly high gas bills that make you want to seriously curtail your social life because it’s too expensive to drive anywhere!

All of these things deserve serious consideration in plotting your course to the vehicle best suited to your family’s needs. An open discussion of the features that are important to each of you and what vehicles are most likely to offer what you require will help narrow down the playing field dramatically.

Once you establish a wish list of vehicles best-suited to your lifestyle, you will then need to determine how much you can afford to spend. To do this, it is important that you not fall in love with any one model of car. Openmindedness is the key to a good deal, and will keep you and your beloved from heated arguments in front of shocked onlookers at the car dealership. This is why it is important to have a number of different vehicles you are willing to consider and to be sure that every one which makes the cut on your list is within your financial means. Again, you can have anything you want IF you are willing to pay for it.  However, wise car buying couples understand it is not wise to purchase a vehicle that causes their standard of living to be substantially lowered because their monthly car payments are crippling. It is always a good idea to check with a lending institution ahead of time to see if you qualify for a loan, and if so, how much credit they are willing to extend to you.

• Calculate the overall cost.

Always bear in mind that the sticker price is not the full amount that you will actually pay and be wary of vehicles listed with only their bi-weekly payment cost; they usually indicate that if you took a look at the actual price of the vehicle, you’d walk on by. They are an illusion designed to make you feel something is affordable when in actuality, it isn’t. You are not paying the $26,900 prominently posted on the window of your dream vehicle. THAT is the starting point. That’s the number that gets you the deal. Then comes all the additional costs associated with buying and owning a car including taxes, freight, additional options, and interest which add up to thousands and thousands more. You need to know when all is said and done and the last penny has been promised to the bank exactly how much you will be paying for your new car.

Always consider the resale value of a vehicle. After several years of driving your new car, your lifestyle might change necessitating an upgrade…or a downgrade. You want to select a vehicle that will hold its value well and bring you the best return on your initial investment.

Consider also the insurance costs for your change of vehicle. You may be able to afford the monthly payments and maintenance costs, but will your insurance for your new car take you into a bracket that is so high it has you seeing stars? 

• Determine ahead of time what your ideal price point is.

In most cases, husbands are just as happy to allow their wives to select their new car since they are likely the ones that will drive it the most in a two car family. However, agreeing on price is not always so easy. This is why you must decide ahead of time the amount you would like to pay. Always be aware that dealers will see your budget as a starting point and will do their best to drive you upwards. This is why you might want to start by giving the salesmen a lower price than what you are actually prepared to commit to. This technique may land you exactly where you want to be.

Prime your wife for what will happen at the dealership by familiarizing her with common sales strategies. Be sure to do your research to find out what the vehicles you are considering are actually worth as opposed to the published manufacturer’s suggested retail prices which are always inflated. Take the time to compare these against the vehicle’s actual invoice price. Somewhere between these two areas lies your negotiating power. If you can land in middle of the MSRP and the invoice price, you will be doing very well. Always bear in mind if you have selected an extremely popular vehicle, you will have far less bargaining power than if you choose a model that is in abundance on the lot.

• Consider a trade-in.

If you have a viable trade-in, it can open up some options for you. By checking out the Kelley Blue Book guides, you will be able to determine what a dealer may offer you on a trade that can help offset the cost of your new vehicle. In determining what your vehicle is worth, it is important to be brutally honest in seeking an estimate. Details such as mileage, accident history, car condition, and more will affect your car’s current worth on a trade-in deal. Often to get the most bang for your buck, your best option is to sell your car privately and apply the procured funds as a deposit on a new vehicle purchase. Typically, you will receive more from a private sale than from a trade-in.

• Study current interest rates and offers from all dealerships.

Shop around! Don’t go to just one dealership and make a deal on the first car your wife warms up to. Visit as many different lots and dealerships out there to determine what offers, incentives, and interest rates are out there. By doing this, you will gain some leverage in negotiations as the salesmen you deal with will realize you are a savvy customer who has done his homework. By knowing what is available at other area dealerships, you will be able to get substantial savings.

Be willing to go out of town. Sometimes driving to a nearby city or even another state is worth the effort when it comes to the bottom line. A willingness to go where the bargain is is often sufficient for a local retailer to give you a better offer to gain your business. 

• Drive many different models.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make in shopping for a new car is falling in love with a particular vehicle. It is most likely that your wife already knows what she wants. And if she is like most women, she doesn’t want to consider anything else. But you do not want the salesman to know that, and it is important that your wife knows that to show her hand in this poker game equates to being taken to the cleaners financially. When you express that you are firmly set on one vehicle and that vehicle only, you give all power into the hands of the dealer because they have what you want, and you are then bound to pay what they ask.

But in choosing to test drive a wide variety of models, sometimes you will come across a vehicle you might not have considered but actually really love. Decide what type of vehicle you feel is the best fit for your family but be willing to test drive anything that falls within that type and price point. In the end, you may still opt to purchase the vehicle your wife was in love with long before you both walked into the dealership in the first place. But by showing a willingness to consider many options within one category, a dealer will be far more open to working with you on coming up with a price you can all live with. 

• Negotiate, negotiate, negotiate.

Don’t accept the first price you see. Know the facts, be willing to negotiate, and most of all, be willing to walk away in order to get a better deal.

It is typically best if only one person in the equation does the negotiating, and if negotiating rock bottom prices is not the forte of one of you, it’s best for that person to go take a seat and read a good book or catch up on what’s going on on Facebook while the other seals the deal.

• Present a united front.

Do not allow a dealer to play you off each other. You need to present a united front to each salesman.  Not only do you lose out on negotiating opportunity when you contradict each other, you also raise the potential of conflict between the two of you. Keep things peaceful by deciding ahead of time what you want, what you are willing to pay for it, and who is going to do the negotiating. If you are the silent partner in the equation, STAY SILENT. One slip of the tongue could cost you thousands in savings, so stick to the plan.

But most of all, if it doesn’t feel right; don’t do it. You do not have to buy a car that day. If you find yourself in conflict, it’s often best to go home, talk it through, then sleep on it. A car is long term financial commitment. You want to be sure you make a wise decision because you will have to live with your choice for a long time.

Yes, it is possible to buy a new car without getting divorced! Follow our tips for getting your wife the car she wants at a price you can live with, and you will both be happy indeed. Happy Car Shopping!

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You would never know that one of you is in an abusive marriage.

But which one? Here’s a hint: She’s the one silently thinking “tells me I’m worthless and makes me sleep on the sofa.”

25% of all women in the US are in an abusive marriage or partnership. And most of time, there are no visible traces of the abuse.

There was a time in my life when I was the one secretly in an abusive marriage. I was the one going through the motions of being happily married, when actually I was being psychologically, emotionally, financially and verbally abuse.

I had no idea how unhealthy my marriage was. I knew there were issues, but I assumed all marriages were like mine. I’d suffered a slow-drip of erosion to my self-esteem for so many years that I couldn’t see how abusive the relationship had become. On top of it, I was too ashamed to give details to anyone, even my family or closest friends, so I had no one to hold up a mirror to show me what my marriage really looked like.

So here I am, holding up a mirror for you. Here’s a chart of characteristics of an abusive marriage versus a healthy marriage. How am I an expert? Well, aside from being a certified life coach and transformational divorce coach, I personally have experienced one of each.

If your marriage is healthy, then PLEASE share this with a friend who you think may be in a toxic situation, even if she can’t see it herself. You’ll be doing her a huge favor — maybe even saving her life. I will never forget the friend who saved mine by holding up a similar mirror for me.

How many of these characteristics are true for your marriage:

In a Healthy Relationship, Your Spouse:

1. Communicates regularly and effectively
2. In an argument, sticks to pertinent issues that are relevant
3. Always says “I’m sorry,” even when not solely responsible
4. Empathizes with your feelings
5. Consults with you on all household decisions
6. Puts your needs/feelings/desires above his
7. Wants to do things together because he enjoys your company
8. Wants you with him to share experiences
9. Wants you to have control of your own money
10. Recalls past events accurately
11. Embraces your family

In an Abusive Relationship, Your Spouse:

1. Keeps you constantly guessing/off guard
2. In an argument, brings up things from the past that aren’t relevant
3. Never takes responsibility, even when it’s his fault
4. Ignores your feelings
5. Makes household decisions without conferring
6. Puts his own needs/feelings/desires above yours
7. Wants to do things together to make things easier for him
8. Wants you with him to use you as a human shield
9. Insists on controlling your money
10. Twists past events
11. Disparages your family

So how does your marriage rate? If there are more characteristics on the “abusive” side than on the “healthy” side, then it’s time to do something about it. If talking to your spouse doesn’t work, then get some support.

A good first step would be to visit The National Domestic Violence website: https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/, or reach out to family, friends or an expert in the field.

Victoria McCooey is a transformational divorce coach, motivational speaker and founder of The Divorce Course for Women. She has had numerous articles published on DivorceForce.com, Ezine Articles, IveMovedOn.com and has been interviewed on “Women of Strength TV”,
Divorced Mommy,” “Unleash Your Mojo Online” and “You Be You & I’ll Be Me” podcast. She’s helped scores of women acquire the skills and courage necessary to leave toxic marriages and create happy new lives they can’t wait to live. http://www.victoriamccooey.com/

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