Many of our kids are overscheduled and feel pressured to excel in academics or athletics. They often have little down time with their family and suffer from exhaustion, an inability to focus on the activity at hand and a fragmented sense of who they are and what they want. Some teenagers feel like they don’t fit in with their peers or are overwhelmed in the face of social media, drugs and alcohol, or their developing sexuality.

Adolescence will always be a roller-coaster ride but it doesn’t have to be a nightmare for teens and parents alike. As parents, we need to manage the culprits that push the normal stress and mood swings of adolescence into the unmanageable zone.  Most importantly, we need to use our relationship with our kids as the antidote to their pain.

Here are 5 steps that parents can take to combat the normal malaise, as well as the sometimes-excruciating agony of adolescence:

1. Take the long way home: Spend unrushed time with your teenager. Make this a priority in your busy schedule. Put your phone away and talk with them. Share your own painful or embarrassing experiences and, to the degree that they will talk, shut-up and listen.

2. Be curious about your teen: Try to see who they are and what they are struggling with at any given time. Their conflicts and stressors yesterday may be old news by this morning. Ask them often about their friends, their interests, their politics, and their causes de jour. Resist assigning rigid roles to any of your children, i.e. the smart one, the athletic one, the sensitive one.

3. Like them, don’t just love them: Embrace their quirks and idiosyncrasies, including their ever-changing passions and hobbies. Focus on their strengths and avoid pressuring them to obsess about their performance or to adopt a perfectionist attitude.

4. Encourage their voice: Help them cultivate their own voice with your interest and curiosity. Welcome your teenager’s anger, criticism, and disappointment by just listening and fighting the urge to defend yourself.  What they able to express in words, won’t fester within them.

5. Insist on kindness and focus on character: Too often we spend our energy trying to enhance our teen’s performance rather than cultivating their character. Often, with the pressures of our busy lives, it is not in the forefront of our mind to model traits such as kindness and integrity. Kindness is a cornerstone of character, and both are the gifts that keeps on giving.

A Nod to the Unconscious: Developmentally, a teenager’s job is to try on different identities and see what feels most “like me”. This can be exceptionally confusing for kids. It is also their job to begin to separate from their parents, which can be both frightening and lonely for them.  Understanding this will help you be patient with your teen’s push/pull attitude towards you and their almost radical need, for the moment, to reject everything about you.

Sometimes therapy and/or medication is necessary when teens feel sad or depressed for an extended period of time.  Often, however, parents’ investment in their adolescent as an evolving person, not just as student or an athlete, can make all the difference.

Our kids are navigating treacherous waters as they cross the bridge from childhood to young adulthood.  We need to be their gentle guides, their models and perhaps most importantly, their soft place to land when all doesn’t go according to plan.  Let your children know that you love them unconditionally, and that regardless of the fluorescent color of their hair, their choice of pronouns or their SAT score, you always will. 

Beth Feldman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and relational analyst, with specialized training in the treatment of substance abuse and eating disorders.  Dr. Feldman is an expert in parenting strategies and offers her unique “Sane Parenting in a Crazy World”.  consulting to parents globally. Beth is a frequent contributor to media and speaks publicly on numerous topics, including relationship and parenting issues, depression and anxiety management, and the secret to energizing personal change. For more information, visit www.bethfeldmanphd.com.

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A parent’s reaction to their child coming out as transgender is very important in determining the track their relationship with that child will take. This is especially difficult for parents who feel blindsided, or that they had no “warning” that their child was going to make the announcement that they weren’t the gender the parents felt they were born with. But the way we, as parents, react to a child saying “I’m trans” paves the way for the future relationship with that child.

Statistics on the numbers of transgender children are difficult to determine, as the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention does not collect information on the numbers of transgender children in each state, just adults. An estimate by the Williams Institute at the University of California Los Angeles School of Law says that, as of 2017, 0.7 percent of 13-to 17-year olds in the United States identify as transgender – this amounts to about 150,000 teenagers. A recent poll, according to the Human Rights Campaign, says that about three percent of adolescents and teens identify as transgender or non-binary. The real numbers are likely higher, especially as not all children and teens who identify as transgender have come out publicly.

Transgender youth are at a high risk of suicide, compared to non-transgender peers. The Williams Institute noted that 30 percent of transgender youth attempted suicide in 2020. Having positive experiences such as family and social support greatly reduce the prevalence of suicidal thoughts and attempts in transgender youth. This is just one reason why parental reaction and acceptance when your child comes out as transgender is so important. As many parents have noted, “I’d rather have a transgender child than a dead child.”

But What If It’s a Phase?

The first thought that goes through many parents’ minds when a child says “I’m transgender” is, “this is just a phase.” No matter the age of your child when they tell you they are trans, that is inevitably going to be one of the primary thoughts you have. If your child is very young, you might think they are just experimenting with gender and that this will pass. If your child is an adolescent going through puberty, you might think they are confused and that this will pass. Although you might have such thoughts, do not vocalize these thoughts to your transgender child, as they will take your “this will pass” feelings as negating their feelings of being a different gender. It’s ok to think whatever you must think – just don’t say it out loud.

The Human Rights Campaign notes that the general rule of thumb in determining if a child is transgender or non-binary (rather than gender variant or gender nonconforming) is if the child is consistent, insistent, and persistent about their transgender identity. A child who is assigned male at birth wanting to wear dresses once or twice is likely not transgender. If that same child repeatedly insists for months or years that she is a girl, she probably is transgender. A child who is non-binary, or feels that they are neither male nor female, but maybe a bit of both, may not know how to express this feeling, so it might be harder for parents to grasp.

Gender Identity vs. Sexual Orientation

When a child comes out to a parent as trans, some parents will think, “oh, you’re not really transgender, you must be bisexual, gay or lesbian instead.” (Some parents will even wish this for their child, as being bisexual, gay or lesbian is more accepted in today’s society). The truth is, gender identity and sexual orientation are two separate and different things. Being gay or lesbian defines one’s sexual orientation, and simply identifies the gender to whom you are attracted. Being transgender, however, means that your gender identity differs from the gender you were assigned at birth. This can become even more confusing for parents, as some transgender people also identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual.

If your child is transgender, they will likely be diagnosed with gender dysphoria. This term is defined by the American Psychiatric Association as clinically significant psychological distress resulting from an incongruence between a person’s sex assigned at birth and their gender identity. It may develop in childhood but might not be experienced until later in life.

Being transgender is not a mental illness, but the gender dysphoria, or disconnect that some transgender people experience between their sex assigned at birth and gender identity, is a psychiatric diagnosis. Not all transgender people feel gender dysphoria, but the term was primarily developed to allow insurance companies to cover gender-affirming care for transgender individuals. (This includes taking hormones, hormone blockers, and gender-affirming surgery).

Can I Do Anything to Change My Child?

You should never try to change your child’s gender identity in any way, through punishment, denial, reparative therapy or any other technique. This can cause permanent damage to your child’s mental health, and can irreparably harm or break your relationship with your child.

It doesn’t matter what age your child is when they come out – young, teenager, or older. Some people realize that their gender identity differs from their birth gender earlier than others. Some might have known for a while but have been afraid to come out to you or anyone else, fearing rejection.

How Can I Support My Transgender Child?

The best thing that you, as a parent, can do for your transgender child is to support them, no matter what. Here are some ways that you can do that:

• Always use the pronouns and name corresponding to your child’s gender identity. If they tell you they want to go by a new name, respect their wishes and always use that name when referring to them, when talking to them and when talking about them to others.
• Advocate for your child. If you see transphobia occurring anywhere, call it out. Ask others around you to respect your child’s gender identity.
• Educate yourself about concerns that transgender youth and adults face
• Educate your child’s school. Learn what schools should be doing to support your child and speak with the officials there to make sure that they are doing that.
• Encourage your child to stand up for themselves when it is safe to do so. Make sure that they know how to set boundaries when necessary.
• Always assure your child that they have your unconditional love and support.

If your child has come out to you as transgender, or if you think your child might be transgender, the best thing to do next is to consult a gender therapist. The Human Rights Campaign has compiled a list of gender clinics for children and adolescents here.

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Many of the beautiful qualities you admired in your little girl seem to have evaporated, leaving behind someone you may hardly recognize. But what if I told you that all her struggles are caused by only a few faulty beliefs?

These Disempowering Faulty Beliefs, or DFBs, were created by events that were painful to her as a child, often before seven years old. Because of an undeveloped prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for decision-making and regulating emotions) and lack of life experience, your daughter couldn’t fully process these situations.

These painful events (while maybe even very minor from an adult perspective) were magnified and personalized to mean something negative about her and became her DFBs. Once a DFB is created, it becomes a “lens” that all her life experiences are filtered through.

Let’s dive into the four DFBs and see which one, or more, is robbing your daughter of her confidence.

I’m Not Good Enough

This DFB has your daughter convinced that something is wrong with her and that she’s inferior to others. She may procrastinate or become a perfectionist to avoid being “discovered” as not good enough. She might also become extremely hard on herself trying to prove to the world that she is good enough.

It might show up as:

• I’m not (good / pretty / smart, etc.) enough.
• I can’t do anything right.
• Everyone is better than me.
• I have nothing important to share.

I’m Not Worthy

This DFB often accompanies “I’m Not Good Enough.”  She is likely to believe she’s not worthy of good things, or good things happening for her. It also creates self-doubt and anxiety as your daughter lives in fear that others will discover her unworthiness.

It might show up as:

• I don’t deserve.
• I’m not worthy.
• I’m useless/worthless.
• Good things never happen to me.

I’m Not Loved

This DFB causes your daughter to feel isolated, unlovable, and unwanted. Your daughter might become a people-pleaser hoping to earn the love she craves, or she may withdraw inward to protect herself from potential pain. This faulty belief causes your daughter to live in fear of being dismissed, rejected, or abandoned.

It might show up as:

• I am damaged/broken/unwanted/unlovable.
• No one cares what happens to me.
• Everyone is out to get me.
• I’m just a burden. 

I’m Not Safe

This DFB can cause your daughter to worry about her physical or emotional safety – someone could hurt my body or harm my emotional well-being. She might become fearful, untrusting, and unwilling step out of her comfort zone. Your daughter may withdraw to “hide” from potential danger or she may respond with anger or aggression to feel more powerful.

It might show up as:

• People want to hurt me.
• People take advantage of me.
• It’s me against the world.
• I can’t trust anyone.

To help your daughter, you must start by taking care of yourself and your emotional health. Practicing these 5 “Rs” will help you stay centered, present, and compassionate.

• Recharge Take time to relax and do what you love will help you maintain patience and objectivity when interacting with your daughter.

• Remember your daughter’s current experiences and behaviors are directly influenced by her DFBs. Her actions are a not an attack against you or a reflection of your parenting.

• Recognize what emotions your daughter’s words and actions are triggering in you about her – and about yourself. She is not the only one dealing with DFBs; we all have them.

• Remove negative labels you may have placed on your daughter (and yourself) based on her behavior.

• Reflect after each interaction with your daughter noting what you felt went well, didn’t go as planned, and what you would like to do differently next time. Having a game plan allows you to stay focused, objective, and compassionate.

Jacqui Letran is a Nurse Practitioner, Author, Speaker, and Teen Confidence Expert. She blends more than twenty years of experience working with teens in the medical and holistic settings to provide time-tested, practical guidance to help teen girls embody peaceful confidence. Her multi-award-winning Words of Wisdom for Teens book series is considered a go-to resource for teens, parents of teens, and anyone working with teens. Get your free “6 Steps to Transform Your Inner Critic” guide at www.JacquiLetran.com/f/innercritic. For more information visit www.JacquiLetran.com and www.stopthebullywithin.com.

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When I met with Heidi, she told a different story. Yeah her parents had made her transfer, she said, but that part didn’t bother her so much because she knew she needed a different academic environment. And yeah she did complain about the school a lot, but not because she didn’t like it. Heidi said her problem was that she did like her new charter school, and wanted to stay there.

I asked Heidi how that was a problem. “The problem,” she pointed out, “is that I made such a big deal about how I wasn’t going to like it and wasn’t staying after the first semester. If I tell my parents now that I actually like the school and want to stay, they’ll think they won.”

“Won what?” I asked.

“They’ll think they won the whole ‘who was right’ and ‘who was wrong’ thing,” Heidi replied. “And then you know what? They’ll look at each other with a stupid smile and think, See? We knew she’d come around. And then they’ll use it as proof that—and mocking her mother’s voice, Heidi added— ‘We know you better than you know yourself!’  Ugh, I almost want to go back to my old school just so they won’t get that satisfaction.”

Lucky for Heidi that she had the inner resolve to stay committed to the school of her choice even though it probably meant having to watch her parents do their touchdown dance and tell her they knew all along she’d see it their way.

I’m not sure what parents think they’re accomplishing when they make a point to say “I told you so!” All it does is offend their son or daughter, and reveal a lack of sensitivity regarding how often kids are made to subjugate their emerging autonomy to the directives of parents, teachers, relatives, and others.

By choosing not to claim their daughter’s decision to stay at the charter school as their victory, however, and by emphasizing their excitement for her rather than taking credit for her “enlightenment,” Heidi’s parents would be allowing their daughter to save face instead of feeling as if she had lost a battle or given in. In doing so, they would be demonstrating a respect for her courage to acknowledge wanting something that her parents also wanted for her, something that for many other kids is a flat out deal breaker. They would receive in return Heidi’s appreciation, and her trust that they wouldn’t seek to exploit opportunities to show who’s boss.

The need to save face is human and normal but all too frequently—and unnecessarily—activated in our kids by the ways in which we, as adults, try to guide, instruct, care for and counsel them without taking into account the emotions upon which we trod. Kids who have to be right all the time will defend the most ridiculous point simply because for them, being right is better than being smart. Kids who have to be independent will reject a parent’s great idea for the sole reason that it wasn’t their own. “Solving a problem doesn’t count unless you solve it by yourself,” a sad, aloof, and lonely girl of thirteen years once confided in me.

There are times to help kids develop an awareness of how their need to be right all the time or to avoid relying on others is hurting them. But there are also times when the best thing we can do with our kids is to stop talking so much, and stop making so many suggestions, and realize that what they may need most is our quiet, gracious appreciation of the small indignities they face in their journey toward independence and self-hood. By refraining from smugly pointing our fingers or doing victory dances or saying “I told you so!” whenever our kids are proved wrong about something or change their minds, we invite our children and teens to see us differently, relate with us less defensively, and understand that, in truth, we’re really all on the same side. 

Dr. Janet Sasson Edgette is a psychologist dedicated to helping parents raise conscientious, respectful children they enjoy having around. Her work with families is consistent with her belief that respect, accountability, and prudent transparency are the cornerstones to healthy, enduring relationships between loved ones. Stop Negotiating With Your Teen: Strategies for Parenting Your Angry, Manipulative, Moody or Depressed Adolescent is her popular parenting book, and her most recent book is The Last Boys Picked: Helping Boys Who Don’t Like Sports Survive Bullying and Boyhood. www.JanetEdgette.com

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Julia’s mother had a good point. She needed to be able to “parent” her daughter without worrying what the fallout would be. But Julia was typical of many teenagers who feel entitled to impose their moods or frustrations on others simply because they feel, well, moody or frustrated. Shrewd and savvy, these teenagers have learned to exploit their parents’ wishes to avoid a bigger, louder and messier argument.

Then, in turn their parents, calculating the “cost” of speaking out, become increasingly tentative or self-conscious about addressing their teen’s behavior or attitude. The teen picks up on his or her parents’ hesitation and ramps up the drama while the parents, trying to avoid an even worse argument than the one they’re already having, back down. And so it goes.

Breaking out of this vicious cycle takes mindful parenting and a willingness to engage with your unhappy teen even if might be uncomfortable or escalate the tension. Parenting mindfully in this situation means responding to your moody or acting out teen not reactively with what you feel you should do in that moment, but reflectively, by taking a few moments to understand what your teenager is actually trying to make you feel or do.

Being willing to engage means saying, “Look, I can see you’re feeling lousy and I’d help you if I knew what you needed. But I can’t keep letting your moods rule the household the way they do. I’ve avoided confronting you because I knew it would just escalate the tension between us, but I’m not doing you or our family any favors. I understand that no one can control what they feel, but everyone needs to learn to control how they express it.”

Most teenagers would be disarmed by such thoughtful, candid response from their parent and simply want to exit stage left. Let them. Pressing a point too hard or too long only annoys kids. Besides, the more important thing here is to put your teen on notice that she should not expect to be able to casually spread her misery without some push back from you.

Also keep in mind that…

• … getting you to back off is exactly what your teenager is trying to do. She does this in order to escape accountability for her mood, attitude, or behavior. But accommodating repeatedly to your teenager’s sullen mood or unpleasant attitude allows her to avoid becoming aware of how her behavior affects other people. It is an unfortunate lesson she will likely take with her into adulthood.

• … at the same time you are asking your teen to better control her behavior, it’s important to try better appreciating her genuine grievances and dilemmas. Many of the things kids complain about can sound superficial, but have real significance in their lives and matter tremendously to them even if they don’t to you.  Parents insult their kids when they react dismissively to their problems, making it seem as if the only problems that matter are the ones adults have.

• … it’s important resist the temptation to look past behavior problems you think are too minor, too infrequent, or too inconsequential. Little things do matter, and give you a chance to address issues that are too volatile to address constructively when they are bigger and everyone’s temperature is higher.

The idea that kids are hard-wired to become moody and self-absorbed once they hit adolescence has got to be one of the most destructive, self-fulfilling prophecies ever perpetuated by our cultural beliefs about teenagers. Adolescents are so much better than that, and deserve to be held to a better standard.

We sell them short when we hand them exemptions from being good citizens—conscientious, responsible, capable of caring deeply—just because of a collective, and largely unexamined, conviction that they can’t control themselves. Of course they can; they do all the time— in school, among their friends, in front of their friends’ parents. There’s no reason to accept anything less at home.

Dr. Janet Sasson Edgette is a psychologist dedicated to helping parents raise conscientious, respectful children they enjoy having around. Her work with families is consistent with her belief that respect, accountability, and prudent transparency are the cornerstones to healthy, enduring relationships between loved ones. Stop Negotiating With Your Teen: Strategies for Parenting Your Angry, Manipulative, Moody or Depressed Adolescent is her popular parenting book, and her most recent book is The Last Boys Picked: Helping Boys Who Don’t Like Sports Survive Bullying and Boyhood. www.JanetEdgette.com

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Yet that gorgeous little creature had a few tricks up her sleeve even back then. I wasn’t expecting a teenage daughter who logged so many cell phone hours that I was forced to Google “surgical Iphone removal options.” Another surprise awaited me in the discovery of the lovingly prepared tuna sandwich stuffed under my darling daughter’s bed, now rancid with two weeks’ growth of mold and a stench that could wipe out the entire neighborhood with one whiff. Who knew that being the parent of a teenage daughter would require a Hazmat suit?

Neither did I ever think I would need to scale a veritable Mount Vesuvius of junk all just to deliver some clean laundry to her room.

I can’t deny it any more though I can completely blame it on her mother since she couldn’t possibly have gotten it from me. Yes, this teenage girl who stands before me is my beautiful daughter capable of all of the moments I have dreamed of before. But she came with an added “bonus” I wasn’t quite expecting. Yes, it’s true. My daughter is a slob.

Three Things I Wonder About My Daughter

I’ve pondered this issue for a long time now. I’m not a messy person, and as much as I like to joke about it, neither is my wife. We keep our house clean and organized at all times. Where in the world did my daughter develop this appetite for destruction?

Lately, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to these three things:

Does she have any sense of smell?

The movie The Sixth Sense popularized the phrase, “I see dead people.” We have a variation of that theme going on at our house. You walk into my daughter’s room, and it smells like dead people. Or at least SOMETHING dead.

What perplexes me is she doesn’t seem to notice the smell. Honestly, it’s bad enough to make your eyes start to water the minute you walk into the room. How can she live in that room—sleep in that room—and not realize that it smells like where dirty sweat socks go to die?

The only conclusion I can come to is she has no sense of smell. The combined stench of rotting, moldy tuna sandwiches, dirty underwear, and leftover McDonald cups bearing congealed milkshake remnants is a “winning” combination if you’re trying to put together a weapon worthy of “keeping America safe again.” If that is her objective, she takes first prize. Otherwise, the room could benefit from a couple of days spent with the team from Hoarders.

All I can say is the smell is bad. And if she can’t smell it; well, maybe her mother and I need to look into nasal therapy to repair her olfactory senses before the cockroaches come to carry the entire house off. 

How does she find anything?

To me, everything has a place, and everything should be in its place. If things aren’t in their place, I find it challenging to get anything productive done.

My daughter, however, seems to have a super power. No matter how high the mess, no matter how deep; she can find anything. Even though I walk into the room and feel like Moses trying to part the Red Sea (but without divine assistance), I could request a random item, and my daughter could dive directly into the mess and retrieve said item nearly instantaneously. I’m not sure whether to be amazed or infuriated. After all, I feel traumatized just looking at the wreckage, and she jumps in with reckless abandon.  Glee, even! She defies all logic.

It only makes sense that a cluttered space equates to lost productivity. Having easy access to the tools you need makes it easier to get the job done and done well. But then again, it was Albert Einstein who said, “If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” Well, if to follow that reasoning to the end, my desk is a sign that I have an empty mind. Which might actually be true since after I have to spend more than two seconds in my daughter’s tip of a bedroom, I feel like I’ve completely lost mine. 

Should we just get her a dumpster?

I spend a lot of timing thinking about the best way to solve this problem. I worry about the things that are growing in my daughter’s bedroom; probably far more than is healthy for me. I worry if there were ever a fire if firefighters could even find her underneath all of the “normal” bedroom debris.

Even if she would let my wife and I clean it, I’m really not sure where to start. I think I might just end up curled up in the fetal position crying and repeatedly muttering, “Make it stop! Make it stop!”

So I’ve finally come to some conclusions. We really have two options and two options only. Sell the house in “as is” condition and move. Or get a dumpster, chuck it all, and start fresh. My wife isn’t a fan of either option, so I guess I’ve got some more thinking to do on this matter.

If you have a teenage daughter, you understand what I’m going through. I’m told that not all teenage girls are messy, but I’m pretty sure mine could win awards for the sheer volume of junk she can amass in her room.  I can just hear it now.  Anne Hathaway proudly saying, “Here are the nominees for Most Accumulated Stuff in a 10’ x 12’ space…” or possibly, “And the Oscar for Bedroom Most Resembling a War Zone goes to…” The competition could just stay home. My daughter is walking away with top prize, for sure.

Though I don’t love her mess, I do love my girl.  She amazes me every day. I am charmed by her tender sweetness, her loving heart, and incredible beauty…and stunned by her mess. My only hope is she falls in love with a man who likes to clean.

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Now I have a teenager of my own, and I find myself reliving all the nightmarish aspects of those years all over again, this time through her eyes. Some things have changed a lot since I was her age, and other things, not at all. The cliques are still alive and well. The petty girl fights among “friends”, the awkwardness, the self-consciousness…all still there. The only problem is, now I have to watch her navigate it all and there’s not much I can do to help her besides remind her that I can at least commiserate with what she’s going through.

The big difference between back in the day and now is the existence of social media. These kids’ lives are put on display for all the world to see, judge, evaluate, criticize, praise, etc. They are so vulnerable and open to others’ comments and approval, or lack thereof in many cases. Cyberbullying is so prevalent now and is definitely one thing we never had to deal with as kids. As a mom who monitors her child’s social media accounts, I have a front row view into how other kids treat mine in the virtual world. Sometimes, it’s not pretty.

Growing up and morphing from a child into an adult is so excruciatingly painful. I remember my hardest year being when I was eighteen years old. So badly did I want my freedom, despite being terrified to break away and be on my own. All the while I was mourning the official end of my childhood. The pain was palpable, and I expressed it as anger towards those closest to me. Perhaps tearing myself away from them was the only way I felt I could finally get away even though I wanted nothing more than for them to hold me closer. My heart hurts thinking that my daughter might go through the same trial one day.

There’s so much pressure on the shoulders of teens. Many go to school full-time, and have a part-time job, and homework, and extracurricular activities, and a social life, etc. It would be too much for even the most energetic adult to handle, let alone for a child, regardless of the fact that they may already have an adult-sized body. And consider the fact that teenagers don’t have a choice about much of what they have to do. They have to go to school, it’s the law. If they want a car or to help pay for gas and insurance, they have to have a part-time job. Playing sports, or being in school clubs, all these things look great on college applications, and most teens are college-bound, or at least hope to be. Top it all off with the desire for a genuine and active social life. A teen’s desperate need for approval often trumps all the rest. It’s no wonder so many teenagers struggle through these formative years.

Perhaps the most painful part of watching your child grow into their teenage years is the angst and inner turmoil that seems to consume them. Knowing your child will be his or her own worst enemy for a certain period of his or her life is so painful to witness, only because you’ve gone through this time period yourself. I can think back and remember how angry I was over absolutely nothing. I couldn’t tell you why I was so mad. Maybe because of all the aforementioned activities weighing me down, but mostly, it’s just part of the metamorphosis from sweet-natured child to independent, free-thinking adult.

Comforting teens is not always easy either. They’re prickly and distant and don’t want Mommy’s kisses or Daddy’s hugs anymore. They feel they need to jump their own hurdles, but as their parent, you know you can ease their pain even just a little if only they’d let you. So tempting is it to want to become their friend during this rocky period, but so crucial it is to be steadfast as the main authority figure in their life. It’s a fine balance to keep them on the straight and narrow while remaining a tender respite for them to retreat to in times of turmoil.

Some teens go too far into angst territory and rebel. Most teens rebel in some ways, usually physically by piercing their ears a second time or dying their hair an unnatural hue, but others go a much more dangerous path. If your teen falls into drugs, alcohol, sex, bullying, or crime, prepare for your heart to be broken. You must have a strict policy on these things and do something drastic the first time you realize your child is engaging in these activities. I always tell my teen that if I ever catch her doing any of several of the above, the police will be contacted. Harsh, I know, but I love her too much to let her ruin her own life.

My daughter is currently only thirteen-years-old. We haven’t even broached the time of boyfriends, driving, or many other older teen issues. I shudder to think of what’s coming up ahead. It’s hurts to see your child struggle regardless of his or her age, but when he or she is a teenager, it hurts just a little bit more for some reason. Maybe because it wasn’t so long ago that you were in those shoes yourself.

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Don’t get me wrong! I adore eighties fashion. If I could use one word to describe it, it would be “fun”! We had carte blanche in the eighties to wear the most outrageous outfits. Fluorescent colors were all the rage, and the bigger the hair and jewelry, and the tackier the makeup, the better. We wore plastic shoes, for goodness sake! Crazy prints, off-the-shoulder sweatshirts, leg warmers, and stirruped leggings were all considered to be totally rad. Some of us cringe when looking back at year books and class pictures that documented these trends for our children and grandchildren to mock until the end of time, but others beam with pride at the clownish look of yore.

Now, in the 2000s, it seems there’s little originality left in fashion. These days, fashion seems to pull from countless trends of the past. Previous decades seem to make small resurgences here and there, and every now and then, I’ll recognize a detail on a garment that I’ve already seen before. Hippie fashion has been reinvented as “boho chic”. A variation of grunge “fashion” is now sported by the lumbersexuals, and the hipsters borrow from the beatniks. There’s one trend that hasn’t changed much and has stood the test of time, and that’s…preppy.

In my neck of the woods, most teenagers these days dress in preppy fashions. I actually love the way they dress! Unless they’re sporting athletic wear, they’re donning traditional preppy trends. Button down shirts, khaki shorts, pearls, boat shoes, long poker straight hair, and natural makeup. These kids look great! And the funny thing is, they think they invented these looks. If only they knew that preppy has been around for decades.

The word “preppy” is derived from preparatory school. The roots of preppy fashion can be traced back to the beginning of the 20^th century and reached a heightened level of popularity in the 1950s. It reflected the style of dress popular in the Ivy League schools of the United States. It’s also influenced by the clothing worn while participating in upper-class leisure activities such as golf, tennis, horseback riding, and rugby.

I’ll admit that I, myself, am a huge fan of preppy fashion, particularly equestrian style. That may be the reason why I love that teens these days love preppy wear. What’s also great is that classic brands that have been around forever are mixed with new preppy brands that have emerged over the past few decades. I’m not so naïve as to think that teens all over the country, or world, dress like the kids around me do, but definitely, in the southeastern part of the United States, that’s the style that teenagers sport.

I’m sure a lot of these kids have adopted their parents’ style. Though, most moms around here wear yoga pants and/or active wear as their day to day clothing, so my original theory might be incorrect. And, teenagers usually try to conform to one another, so if the “popular” kids are wearing preppy, then most of the other kids probably try to follow suit. Preppy fashion is classic, chic, fresh, and projects wealth…all attributes that teenagers love. Of course, some teens end up rebelling and find their own style, but those kids are usually in the minority.

Hopefully, the crazy eighties trends will never resurface to the level of insanity that they once were

And the preppy teens don’t always hit the fashion mark. Sometimes, they veer from convention and end up looking as silly as we used to. Knee high socks with rubber shoes, giant bulky boots with leggings, oversized sweatshirts that swallow them whole, and shorts rolled up so the tag of their waistband is visible all qualify as teenage fashion fails. Still, none of these infractions can compare to the giant hair, plastic charm necklaces, and jelly shoes that we wore.

So yes, I do think teen fashions have improved. We had our share of preppies in the eighties and nineties, but they were not as prevalent as they now are. The clothes, and the healthy, long, poker-straight hair of today’s teens are as fashionable as can be. But, I do wonder what the future of teen fashion is.

I suspect there will always be the preppy crew, but I’m sure youth fashion will evolve as it always tends to do. Hopefully, the crazy eighties trends will never resurface to the level of insanity that they once were. I do see leg warmers for sale at the stores, but let’s all admit that they were a pretty cute addition to the fashion world! I hope fashion in general gets a little more exciting. I’m sure new fabrics will be invented, and certain fringe designers will show us the creations they’ve dreamed up in their imaginations. But, the fact remains that many people prefer the elegance and sophistication of classic fashions.

Each generation thinks they look good at the time. We thought we were totally awesome donning our ridiculous fashions in the eighties, but now we have the clarity and hindsight to see how wrong we were. Maybe today’s teens will grow up to have children who look at their old photos and laugh at what they see. But, I really don’t think so. Teens these days look amazing. They’re chic and beautiful, even with a mouthful of braces and all the other awkwardness that comes along with their age. I find it difficult to believe that anyone will judge them harshly for their fashion sense. I know I approve.

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Arguing is really nothing more than two or more individuals that are passionately presenting their viewpoint without being able to control their emotions. When emotions are high, poor listening skills are exacerbated and logical thinking is more difficult to obtain.

When a teenage girl becomes impassioned about something, she tends to feel her emotions deeply, whether it’s about staying out late at night or being the recipient of (in their opinion) an unfair punishment. Teenage girls are less able to maintain whatever level headed nature they may normally have. Reducing the friction around the tension of an argument is a tricky task.

Time outs are not just for little kids. Time outs are moments that we all need in order to get our emotions back under control in order to present ourselves better and maintain a level of reason in our thoughts and actions. As arguments escalate, there’s nothing wrong with insisting that both of you take a time out. A few moments by yourselves to restore your sense of order may very well play a vital role in resolving the situation sooner rather than later with many harsh words unspoken.

With some individuals, time outs tend to back fire. This is because instead of using the time to calm down they sit and self talk themselves into a stronger rage. They sit and fester on the issue as well as all the other issues they feel they are entitled to be angry about and by the time you try to speak with them again, they are ten times angrier than they were before.

Finding creative avenues to express the overload of emotions can lead to more productive communications. Teenagers are on constant overload. They are restricted to rigid schedules and high expectations and experience quite a bit of pressure and are often just one step from a dramatic outburst. Factor in an onslaught of foreign hormones and teenage girls are a time bomb of tightly wrapped emotions waiting to unravel. Teaching them to unload their emotions before they become overpowering can open up lines of communication that were once impossible and completely unexpected.

Encouraging teenage girls to express their emotions appropriately before they become overpowering and explosive is healthy for everyone involved. You will find yourself less likely to rip out your hair by the roots and they will learn more effective methods of communication. Everyone in the household will start to breathe easier as the constant turmoil begins to subside.

One of the biggest mistakes parents make with volatile teenage girls is backing off of limit setting for the sake of peace. While it is important to pick your battles, it is still important to maintain your parental role. The rules are still the rules and they still need to be enforced even when you are completely taxed and you know that disrupting the boat will cause a few fireworks. Maintaining your parental status will eventually get the message across that behaviors like yelling, cursing, door slamming, and pounding are not behaviors which produce results and only result in negative consequences. It will be difficult, especially when you are tired or stressed from other aspects of life, but it will be well worth it as you teach her to keep her emotions to a reasonable level of expression.

Effective arguing with teenage girls takes creativity and resilience. Arguing is not necessarily a bad thing, but losing control of emotions and becoming spiteful and hurtful is. Teenage girls need firm arguing boundaries. They need to grasp how to express their wide range of emotions without causing verbal harm to other individuals. Once they learn how to do that, their extraordinary passion will become an attribute.

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During the years between the age of 12 and 18, the body and mind go through more changes than could possibly be listed. Every experience is amplified by hormones and “split” thought. Teenagers often split their thoughts because they are, in the most simplistic explanation, half child and half grown up. This is the phenomenon that starts with a rational and reasonable thought process that becomes interrupted by frustration. Ration and reason take a hike and suddenly your teenager sounds like they have returned to kindergarten as they ramble on about the subject in their suddenly juvenile fashion. Many experts relate it to having a tired brain. Teens spend a lot of time trying to grow up. When they hit a road block, their minds become literally fatigued of trying so hard and thus they resort to juvenile thought patterns because it is easier. It’s a frustrating scenario for all involved.

In a world filled with social pressure and a societal need for youthful hotties to strut their stuff out in the world, acne can be one of the most detrimental teenage syndromes that exist. Many adults look at a teen with acne with great compassion, but we also know that it is just part of the deal. A teen looks at acne much like a social death sentence. It is very difficult to face the world with zits. Other kids are relentless and it actually creates a social standing that may not necessarily apply. Chronic break outs can often categorize kids straight into the “loser” zone as other teens ostracize severe acne as though it was leprosy. Kids with acne will often deny themselves activities that they love because they are so devastated by their facial condition. It’s important for parents to understand that acne is not just a passing phase that they will outgrow but a seriously detrimental problem that can hinder their entire teenage experience. It can cause self esteem issues, loss of social interest, and ironically adolescent obesity. Many teens with moderate to severe acne that choose to stop engaging in activities eventually start spending their free time in front of a video game, computer, or TV and comfort themselves with yummy food. Parents who intervene with medication and trips to the dermatologist are doing their child a huge favor for their self image.

Of course, we can’t forget to mention the really big pressures. Sex, drugs, smoking, drinking, and physical stunts that put your child in danger are all just part of the daily existence of a teen. Kids face all kinds of issues, and they respond to them differently depending on how they relate to the world. Kids who need to fit in regardless of their own beliefs are more likely to put their health and wellbeing in harm’s way for three minutes of popularity. Those with a strong sense of self are less likely to do what other kids pressure them to do, but are also less likely to engage in what you pressure them to do.

There is an escalated level of cruelty in today’s high schools. Kids have found ways to literally rip the lives of their classmates apart with what appears to be joy. In most cases, this joy is really just a feeling of power. Kids who exhibit cruelty toward other kids are covering their own panic about not feeling like they have any kind of power in their own life. Additionally, high school has become a dog eat dog playground. If you don’t want to be eaten, then you better be one who eats those who are weaker than you. We all want to think that we have good kids. And really, we do. But if you are getting reports about your child’s bullying behavior, it’s time to step up and interfere. If we are understanding teenage behavior, then we are also understanding that our kids are far from perfect and do things that we don’t like. You can pretty much be guaranteed that your child will either be bullied or be a bully for at least one year out of their high school career. Accepting this fact makes it easier to deal with their issues head on so that you can help limit the rate of incidents that occur.

School is certainly not the only place that teens tend to act up and trade in their charming primary school personalities. Home is where the heart is. This also means home is where the war front is. There is a chronic struggle between parent and child from the day children come into this world. They want to break away from you. They love you, need you, and want you to be their number one fan, but they also want you to go away and let them be their own person. From their first steps to their first apartment, they are trying to become autonomous. This is not an easy process, nor is it one that is free from fear and general angst. After all, you are their parent, which makes you the center of their world even when it doesn’t seem like you exist to them. Some kids go through a harder period of separating themselves and finding their autonomy than others. But they need to have their own thoughts, their own feelings about issues, and the right to disagree. This doesn’t mean they have the right to be disrespectful, but teaching them now that disagreeing doesn’t have to be a negative hindrance is a life long gift they will use over and over again. Cutting daily battles down to relatively smooth communication techniques requires a significant amount of parental effort but pays ten fold in dividends of growth and peace.

While it can be hard to get the flow of conversation started with your teen, it’s not always as hard as we think it will be. Kids want to be respected for their thoughts, and asking them to share their thoughts is a good way to get them into topics that frighten both of you. Sex, drugs, drinking, and violence can all be thoroughly discussed usually just by asking them their opinion of specific situations or elaborating on headline news stories with their perspective. The very first step to understanding teenage behavior is talking with genuine interest to your own teenager.

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