Five years into a marriage, the complaints from couple to couple are the same. While the scenarios may be different for each couple, the bottom line is that the excitement and passion in the relationship once hot and insane, has slacked off into a sort of cool ambience that rarely, if ever involves crazy and mad sex! Men begin to think that foreplay is winking at their wife as they leave the bathroom; while women see sexy as actually taking a shower and shaving their armpits. Okay, so maybe it’s not that cliché – but married sex is definitely ‘let’s just say different. To say the least. And even though it may be a tad disappointing, the truth is that very few people can keep up with the bar they set early on in a relationship (at least not without Viagra). Measuring the success of your relationship on the intensity of your sex life will only ensure that you are never completely satisfied.
Just like the new car smell wears off a year or so into owning the car of your dreams, so does the passion and newness of making love to someone brand new in your life. After all, how long can it last? The initial stages of a relationship are about mystery and excitement but eventually you get to know your partner all too well. Remember when you would never eat in your new car? Now there are probably French fries and coffee stains all over the interior. Same goes for making love to the same person over and over again. It gets old. It gets a little boring, and just like keeping up with the spotless interior of your new car becomes strenuous and virtually impossible to keep up with. Luckily, there is much more to marriage then just sex. It may be the fuel that gets you together or keeps you interested and it can definitely be used as ammunition but marriage is about more than sex. Thank goodness.
The complaints may be that married sex is no longer what it used to be. Many people get tired of the old habits and sexual idiosyncrasies or hang ups of their spouses. After ten years together, being with someone who still can’t stand to be naked in front of you seems a little silly. Sex can also be like most things in a marriage, routine. You know when, how, where and why you are going to have sex and it becomes nothing more than something to check off of your to-do list. When you are tired, stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, or have your too many irons in the fire sex can be left out altogether and it can be very difficult to breech the subject again without feeling sort of out of place. After all having toddlers or babies, that need to be fed and drain the life and blood out of your body takes precedence and sex becomes more of an after thought. And, by the time you get to bed at night there is a good chance you want nothing more than to close your eyes and go to sleep rather than endure yet another ten-minute encounter that leaves neither of you feeling that pleased.
Even though married sex can become mundane it is definitely worth engaging in. There is a certain ebb and flow with couples where sex flows in and out of their lives. When the sex tide comes in, you can quickly be reminded of how good it feels to be with your spouse in that manner. When it rolls out, it can take with it the security and sadly the foundation of the relationship. While thousands of the other parts of marriage are not just about you sex is. Sex is about you and your spouse connecting in that certain way that makes the both of you feel good. Some days you may not be able to let go of the fact that your husband doesn’t pick up his dirty clothes. Some days your husband may be a bit of a complainer that the missionary position is no longer his first choice. Being winked at or shaving armpits as a signal that you are feeling your inner passion ignite may not be enough to bring back the carefree days of sexual encounters that you had when you are dating. The good news is that married sex is okay with all of that. In many relationships when the incredible sex and orgasms end, so does the communion. And while that may be okay for a while, in a marriage it is about more than just having sex.
If your sex life is a source of dissatisfaction, chances are you need to remind yourself how important it is in your relationship. No matter what has come between you since you said your vows it should be left completely out of the bedroom. If you are mad at your spouse, then choose not to kiss them but never allow your anger to divide your sex life. For many couples, having sex when they are less than pleased with their choice in marital partners can be just enough of a band aid to get them over the injury. Shallow? Absolutely not. Sex has been through the ages, one of those acts that surpasses logic and doesn’t have to make sense. Giving over your body to your partner for the sheer pleasure of having an orgasm can be a powerful way to keep your marriage alive.
The other bit of advice is to change your mind about sex. So what if your partner lasts five minutes. So what if your partner doesn’t want to be naked or doesn’t initiate it. Many things can change if you are willing to think outside of your comfort zone and introduce them into the marriage. This isn’t to say that your partner will suddenly agree to a swingers lifestyle, but if you are unhappy sexually the blame has to be taken as your own. Teaching your partner about what feels good, about how often is enough and about making sex a priority in your marriage is you and your partner’s responsibility. If the lack of foreplay has you pretending you are asleep then show your spouse what foreplay is about. The mind is creative and in your marriage you don’t have to live up to or within any set boundaries. As a married couple, you have the freedom to partake in any sexual activities together that pleasure you. So go for it.
The last bit of sexual know-how to turn married sex around is to stop seeing it as something that is contingent upon your marriage. Instead, decide that you are a sexual creature and that your needs and desires must be met. Use your spouse to do so and make it a priority in your life. If you don’t and you allow your marriage to suffer the mother of all disconnects, you will find it is very hard to repair. Change the way you think about married sex, and decide right now that it is a good thing. Finally, you can be as honest as you want to be in the bedroom and out.
