Sounds like a funny question, right? Should couples stand at the altar and recite their vows in front of all humanity and God while adding a short section about the frequency of the sex during the marriage? How about this one, “I ‘David’ agree to have sex 2.1 times a week till I am 55, at that time I agree to 2 times a month till 65 and only on birthdays and anniversaries after that.’ And then, “I Trina, agree to perform oral sex three times per year and will only have sex with you twice every week if the dishes are clean and I get a foot massage beforehand!”
Okay, so it is likely completely out of place to do so. After all, no one wants to stand in a church, in front of their parents and talk about the fact that they are having sex with their spouse – or about the details of their sex life. But at the same time, considering that sexual woes make up a large percentage of the reasons married people are unhappy, sex is something that you and your partner should talk about before you say I do. And this raises the question of whether couples should include the frequency of sex in their wedding vows. (Not publicly of course)
One of the biggest problems about sex and marriage, is that few couples feel the need to talk about sex before marriage. They assume that either marriage will improve the sex life, or that since the sex life is so good already, there is little chance that it will change. Yet enter a few kids into the marriage, job responsibilities, a house payment, a few arguments, and irritations with one another and you have a potential recipe for sexual disaster. Your libido, no matter how vibrant it is right now, will change in the future. From sexual dysfunction to stress to everything in between that affects sex, you and your partner will not likely have the same sex in the future as you do on your wedding day.
Perhaps a better remedy for the situation than talking about the frequency of sex during your wedding is to talk about it beforehand. So many couples enter marriage and find themselves sitting in a counselor’s office 5 years later complaining about sex. They complain that their partner is not attentive in the bedroom. Complain that their partner is not adventurous, or never initiates sex. Complain that their sex life is always the same. Complain that they don’t have sex enough. And the bulk of these complaints are not new. Sex is an important part of marriage, and just one measure of how successful your marriage will be. If you have issues with your partners sexual style before marriage, they aren’t going to automatically improve because you say, “I do!” In fact, they are likely to get worse.
If couples would sit down with one another and make a list of sexual expectations, they would avoid a lot of marital issues later in life. Comparing lists, and assuming that they are honest – you would get a very clear picture of what your spouse expects in the bedroom. If they think that you should have sex at least 5 times per week, and that oral sex should be part of the deal – then you wouldn’t be surprised to find out later that they are disappointed (and possible cheating) because the two of you are currently only having sex once or twice a month. If one sexual requirement is for foreplay, and you haven’t kept up your end of the deal – then maybe you will understand why your partner is not interested in having much sex with you.
Age, life situations, children, and stress as well as the transitions of your relationship will change your sex life drastically. There is no one way to make sexual promises and keep them because sex means so many different things to different people. However, you also have to maintain a sense of realism about your sex life. If you don’t know what that means, then just go and ask some of your married friends about the fate of their orgasmic experiences since they tied the knot!?
So what would good sexual marriage vows be? Well, they would address the frequency for sure, including both an accepted minimum and maximum of sex. They would also be specific enough to dredge up any crazy fantasies that you have buried in your head – that might not go over well should you confess them to your spouse a few years into the marriage. Your sexual marriage vows should also be about being honest (although not brutally so) about the quality of sex. Your partner needs to know if they aren’t satisfying you, and you should come up with some sort of rating system or something to avoid blurting out, “You suck in bed!” This way, the two of you can have a sense of what the other considers good sex. You also need to personalize your sexual vows so that you are sure you get what you want out of your sex life. For instance, many men complain about the lack of oral sex. Put it in the vows. And many women complain about that they never reach orgasm. Put that requirement in the vows as well.
There are plenty of things to fight about in marriage. Sex shouldn’t be one of them. Now that the two of you have “bought the cow” so to speak – you really should be able to get the milk for free. And the milk shouldn’t be sour, or curdled!
2 Responses
I have been married for 21 years and am v unhappy. My wife is sex mad and that is all she cares about. We have had psycho-sexual counselling but i actually hate sex and any form of intimacy. She is using this as a stick to beat me with and is always aggressive and have had verbal abuse. I don’t think couples have to justify themselves by sticking bits into each other – ie intercourse, which makes me feel sick. I think sex and love are two different things and for people to be judged by sexual performance male or female is shameful. Why cannot sex be voluntary? It is all bull.
Marriage just simply isn’t worth it. It is basically two things- being controlled by one partner and sex or more particularly intercourse, which is basically lust. Marriage isn’t a relationship of equals where one person can demand sex whether the other person wants it or not. I have found that sex is in fact porn and nothing else. Why do people have to judge each other on their sexual or non sexual performance alone? Pathetic. Religions are at fault too for encouraging it, they may as well include mention of sex in the marriage ritual. !
Sorry, lets have celibacy in life, marriage too. Sex doesn’t make people better or worse and it proves nothing! Sorry
I wonder why sex is not included in the marriage vows – maybe Registrars or Clergy refer to it? I don’t think it should be automatic and people should be free to do “it” or not as it takes them, sex should be voluntary. Again, people are not good or bad just because of sex, in fact people shouldn’t have to justify themselves at all for this. Some like it, others do not. That is life. I was told by a Doctor years ago that “you should think of yourself as a sexual animal”. Are we no better than dumb animals in the jungle? Surely we are worth better than that? Sorry.