We get it. You’re lonely. You’re ready to date again and you’re extremely excited about the prospect of potentially falling in love and being in a new solid relationship. Or, you’re just looking for a good time. Either way, if you have kids, there’s nothing more unethical than neglecting to tell a possible future boyfriend or girlfriend about them right off the bat.
Everyone knows that having kids can make dating a bit more challenging. Some folks are simply put off by the idea that they could become a stepmother or stepfather in the future. They would say that they didn’t sign up for it. That they don’t want to take on that burden. Well, guess what? Those people are automatically not right for you when it comes to dating. You have kids and you have to own that you have kids and put your flesh and blood above all else.
But, what if you don’t? What if you do lie? The consequences for all parties involved can be devastating.
For You
Maybe you do find the love of your life online, or while you’re out on the town. Say you don’t want to mention your kids to said person for fear of scaring them away. But, what if you gave them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they’re a decent human being to begin with? As we mentioned before, if this person doesn’t want to have anything to do with kids, they’re automatically disqualified as a potential lover. You can’t reverse becoming a parent – the kids are here to stay. However, if you do meet “the one” and you don’t tell them about your kids, and they find out later? That person is going to think that you’re a liar and ditch you on the spot. Then what? You’ve lost out on a lifetime of love and romance with the person who was meant for you. Don’t screw this up!
For Him/Her
This isn’t a game. People you date are just like you. Lonely. Hungry for love. They have hearts and toying with them is simply wrong. Letting someone fall head over heels in love with you and then breaking the news of your kids later on down the road can actually devastate this person. Not only that, but you’ll quickly get a reputation for being a lying jerk and with the prevalence of social media these days, word will get around quickly and you’ll never land a date again. Additionally, your kids might find out that you denied their very existence.
For Your Kids
Nothing could be worse for a vulnerable child than finding out that their parent is pretending that they were never born just to manipulate someone into loving them. Children of single parents are already someone fragile due to divorce or having a parent pass away, so you must consider their feelings and emotional state when bringing another person into the picture, especially if that person may eventually end up in a position of authority in the family as a stepparent.
For Your Friends and Family
Integrity’s the name of the game. Do you really want to attract the type of person who doesn’t like kids? A person who doesn’t like your kids? Someone who won’t be the best parent they could be to your children should you end up married one day? If you lie to get someone to date you, your friends and family will find out. Then what? Your reputation as a liar will be cemented among them. Of course our family and good friends are supposed to forgive our missteps, but that doesn’t mean they’ll forget. To top it off, these people probably (hopefully) love your children and would be horrified to find out that you pretended they never existed.
For Your Ex
Granted, you may not really care what your ex thinks about you, but you did create life with them. And that life, those children, is something you both love and cherish. It may be the single common bond you have left with your former spouse. If you lie about your kids’ existence to someone you date, and it gets back to your ex that you did so, you’re only giving them the satisfaction of knowing that they made the right decision in ending their relationship with you! But beside that, you’re causing even more pain in their life by denying the only thing you have left that you can both be proud of. Perhaps hurting your ex is your goal. In that case, spare all the other single people out there and live a life of solitude.
Obviously, there’s no good argument for lying about having kids when you’re trying to date – or lying for any other reason for that matter! You can’t build a solid relationship on lies, especially ones about something as important as having kids. Sooner or later, your new boo is going to find out that you’re a parent, and maybe if you get lucky, they won’t mind that just happened to forget to mention that you reproduced in the past. And aside from your latest lover discovering your dishonesty, your kids, friends, family, ex, etc. will all eventually know what a lying rascal you really are. Is it worth the risk? Could you ever forgive yourself for such a nefarious act as denying your own progenies?
Do the right thing and be forthright when you reenter the dating world. If you create a profile on an online dating site, mention your kids. When you first approach a potential new partner, mention your kids. When you meet up for a first date with said person, mention your kids. If things carry on beyond that, mention your kids often and maybe your new sweetheart will fall even deeper in love with you for being such a caring, invested father or mother. Remember the famous line about the tangled web? It’s completely in your control to keep things on the straight and narrow. Blood is thicker than water and your kids deserve to come first.
7 Responses
I’m reeling right now. Most of the articles I read are about men denying they have children. My online dating profile mentions that I have two kids. I have been seeing a woman for almost 3 months, and after saying that she didn’t have kids, she just admitted to having a 7 year old daughter. I’m absolutely devastated that she lied to me, and I’m also having serious doubts about wether I want someone who can deny the exsistence of their own child to be around my kids.
Wow so many things I read & disagree with in this article! Totally it’s the right thing to do, to mention you have children, but I haven’t in the past & have had wonderful short-term flings that I ended. Everyone is not out to meet the love of their life?! Because seriously even before my children, I had dated many men & being in my late 30s now have only been in love twice. I don’t feel the need to tell every random about my kids when I first meet someone. But If I did have an online profile I would mention it. My ex wouldn’t care nor judge me for not mentioning my kids to a random I date. Also, I would have to be dating someone for years before even considering “step parent status”. People break up with people everyday for various reasons, I can tell at initial meeting with someone if I’m going to date them long-term or not, if not I don’t always disclose my kids and there’s no harm done as it’s only been passing fun! Everyone you go on a date with isn’t going to be the love of your life or your kids next step dad😆 Each mother should do what’s best for her and her children. Every man you meet is different & I feel it’s entirely up to the individual, if you can tell it won’t go anywhere long term… How much you disclose.
Terrible outlook on life smh.
You sound like a complete moron! Of course if you’re just with someone just to have a fling with you’re not going to tell him about your kids if you know you’re just with him for a short time. This article talks about serious relationships not friends with benefits.
My take on this is that honesty is key. No one wants to deal with someone who’s a liar. I agree with much of the article but how some of it was narrated not so much.
For example, take the part where it says, “Maybe you do find the love of your life online, or while you’re out on the town. Say you don’t want to mention your kids to said person for fear of scaring them away. But, what if you gave them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they’re a decent human being to begin with?”
It’s setting a premise that, in this regard, a decent human being would be open to dating someone with children & if not they must not be a decent human being. That’s ridiculous! Perhaps the person wants to start their own family and doesn’t want one that’s not ready made. That’s their right.
Part of the problem is that there’s an attitude of entitlement with this stuff. Single parents, like any other adult, are not entitled to a mate whether short or long term. Getting angry with those who choose a person with no children and using manipulative means to get someone shows that they’re terrible people. You can’t expect anything substantial to possibly grow if you only see people as utilities and not actual people. Yes, if you have to resort to lying/omitting info and using other means of manipulation to get a date/mate then you are foul. How can someone get to know the real you if you lie?
For me, it would be a turn off if a woman I met lied about not having children. Not only would I look at her as a liar but I’d also question her love for her children. That’s a disrespect to her children. If a person truly loved their kids they wouldn’t act as if they didn’t exist. I wouldn’t want a woman like that as a potential mate. Children are a blessing and didn’t choose to be here. Terrible to lie like that.
At the end of the day, people have to learn how to have self love and be comfortable with who they are and where they stand. While I don’t prefer women with children, I have respect for a woman who may show interest but is upfront. It shows me she has integrity and loves her child/children. Liars I have no respect for.
Hello Kenny I agree totally to your comment.To lie about your children is crazy and that would make you question what kind of mother is she.And it goes both ways.I can’t never trust anyone that lies.I can’t trust a man that lies about being married and his children.I can’t see myself staying in that relationship.Sorry I don’t have a pic so you can see who is messaging you!I see this post was year “2020”.
I happened to see this while surfing the web because once again I am considering online dating and this has been a problem when I have done online dating. I decided a long time ago I never wanted to be a mother, just not something I have any interest in. This doesn’t make me a horrible person, I do a lot for others, including being a volunteer religious education teacher for years.
Because I don’t want to be a mother, I don’t want to be a stepmother or stepgrandmother. I put this in my profiles but so many single dads get so offended. At least though they are being honest they have kids, I have met guys who claimed no kids only to find out they are dads. Luckily these are short but what if they weren’t? They are liars and what else are they lying about, perhaps a long criminal record or that they are still married?
There is no reason not to be honest. Sure it might turn off people but it’s better to turn off people not compatible than date months, even years, become serious to the point of talking marriage/long term then spring this on them and see hurt.